Grandma's Ring...

You were one of the two women I have fiercely and completely loved in my life.

Who you were, how you treated your family, and the way you loved my grandpa are among some of the greatest memories I hold deep in my heart.

This would have been your 103rd birthday month. 

I had you as my grandma for 25 short years. 

You were the one I could tell anything to and you set standards for me which I am still trying to reach.

You saw me grow up.  You knew when I met Ed and watched as we dated and then got married.  You saw Braxton be born.

I had so much left to learn from you.  There was not enough time to learn how to be a good mother to my first child or how to be the best wife I could be.  You seemed to have it all figured out.  Granddaughters are supposed to learn from their grandmothers. 

But our life took a different path. 

Sometimes I feel cheated because you were taken so soon.  Sometimes I feel grateful I had you for as long as I did.  Sometimes our years together seem like only a distant memory. 

The last day we spoke, when you looked at me and told me I was a good mother to my 8 month old son, I felt a peace and a calm about the years ahead.  Your opinion mattered so much to me that I knew I could face the coming years without you because you had been here for the beginning...and had seen something in me I had not seen yet myself. 

I had always felt I was meant to be a mom.  I was meant to bring children into this world.  That was supposed to be my legacy.  You had given me the strength I needed to see that and fully commit. 

While I can't begin to count the times I still 'talk' to you, it's certainly not the same as having you here to answer me.  But, I'll take what I can get.  Somehow, you manage to do what you always did.  You give me that peace and that calm for the years ahead. 

Do you know that I wear your wedding ring on my right hand?  I was telling Bentley today that this ring was on your finger for the 60 years of your marriage and until your death. 

Mom wore it after...until she joined you. 

Now, I wear this legacy of love. 

Beni already knows it's hers when I join you and Mom.  I have no doubt she will make sure it passes on to the next generation.

I haven't forgotten one single thing about you, Grandma, and I miss every single thing about you, too.

You're alive in the stories and memories.  You're alive in my children.  You would have loved them.

This ring is a symbol of you which I see and I feel each day. 

When I look down at my hand, I see the impact of my aging...yet I can remember when you wore this ring and held my much younger hand in yours.  Flashes of time.  Fleeting moments.  Unbreakable bonds.

Peace. 

Calm.

It is what it is.

p

There is no measure...

We've all lost someone in our lives. 

The measure of that loss varies. 

The older I become, the more I realize how short life is.  How little time we truly have to spend with those we care about...with those we love.

When we're gone, what will we leave behind?

Will those who remain know how we felt about them?

Today marks two years since our family lost our Uncle Roger.  It wasn't exactly sudden as he had been battling cancer for several months.  Yet, the end came quickly.  We expected to have more time.  Even being aware there was a possibility he wouldn't win his battle, we were shocked when Monica called us and said we needed to come to Springfield to the hospital.

We didn't make it. 

Roger passed away just as we got into town.  We didn't get a chance to have those last minutes or those final words. 

Our kids were all at school and we had to call them.  The boys were on campus, but I remember Bentley being at a sisterhood canoe trip with her sorority.  Phone service was spotty, at best, but I was able to call her, too.  It was a terrible call to make.  She felt so separated from us and helpless.

We all did.

When you walk into a hospital to see someone you love laying in a room, lifeless, it's hard to put into words.  The family was gathered in a separate room, down the hall from Roger's, and we were able to go in, privately, and see him.  I was so grateful we were given that chance.  It's surreal to try to sum up memories, thoughts, and feelings and put them in a few sentences in a setting of sadness.  It all seems so inadequate.  How could we possibly say what we needed to?  Verbalize what he means to us in such a short span?  Impossible.

My memory of that day fixates on one vision.  It was Brenda sitting by Roger's bedside.  She was holding his hand and just looking.  Looking into his face.  Not saying a word.  Slowly shaking her head from side to side.  What struck me was the love on her face.  The emotions played out in her expressions and there was a flurry of them...I could almost see the different feelings pass by.  I remember thinking that I was witnessing a beautiful love story coming to it's earthly end but felt, deep in my heart, that it was taking on another dimension and would continue on.  No doubt.  I saw the connection strengthen, if possible, and change course.  It wasn't an ending.  It was a beginning.  These two souls are forever joined, even in his death. 

My husband comes from a large family.  Roger was one of his uncle's.  While we had always been close with Roger, Brenda, Monica, and Rachel...we became even closer as our own children grew.  They loved our four and would come to watch them in their different sporting events at JHS.  At one of Brody's wrestling matches, I remember someone asking if they were his grandparents.  They certainly could have been, as they are far more than an Uncle and Aunt. 

If you were to ask our kids about Roger, they would tell you how funny he was.  How he liked to kid them that they got such good grades because of his tutoring.  They all took Spanish and he would joke that they did well because of his expertise.  It was one of those family jokes that never got old.  He taught the kids that ice cream is essential to a happy life.  He'd be happy to know they all still eat ice cream and talk about him.  That tradition remains and, I'm fairly certain, it always will.

Vacations spent with Roger are included in some of our greatest family memories.  We all were together this past summer, the first time without Roger there, and it was tough.  He was such a staple on vacations that you almost expected to hear him amongst the Stewart voices on the beach or see him loaded down with chairs and coolers while asking everyone if they needed anything.

The measure of loss varies.

For Roger's "girls," Brenda, Monica, and Rachel...I can't imagine what it feels like to live without him in their lives.  He left them a legacy of love and that is priceless.

For the rest of us, we cherish our memories.  But those tend to leave us wanting more.  So grateful for the chance to have had them...to make them...with Roger.  Yet, yearning for more time.  More years.

No, we didn't get those final moments to tell Roger how we felt.  But, I know that he knew.  Just as we all know how he felt about us.  How?  Because he lived his life showing us.  When he told us 'to call if we needed anything,' we knew he really meant it.  He would have done anything for those he loved. 

Roger wasn't here with us nearly long enough. 

The measure of loss varies.

When it comes to Roger, there is no measure.

It is what it is.

p

Off and Walking...

My first full committee meeting and monthly Village board meeting has passed. 

Since being appointed to fulfill the term of a trustee who resigned, I have completed my co-chairmanship on the South Jacksonville Celebration and the Concert in the Cornfield.  We still have finances to go-over, comparisons to previous events to draw, etc., so I'm not actually done...but the bulk of the volunteer time is over and the hours become much more manageable now as we prepare our report.

Following the Concert, I was sworn in during a special meeting which was called specifically for that purpose.

That was a Monday.  The same week, on Thursday, I underwent an arthroscopic knee surgery to repair ACL, meniscus, cartilage, and patella issues incurred over 15 years ago with a mother's volleyball injury.  Go South Elementary Vikings!

A week from my surgery, I was back in Village Hall for my first meetings.  I was grateful to be able to 'walk in' without crutches and feeling like I was on my way to recovery.

It's been a time of trying to get-up-to-speed on the many issues facing the Village; both past and present. 

Investigate.

Involve.

Engage.

Listen.

Share.

Analyze.

It's been a speed course of Cliff Notes! 

Getting bits of information here and more from there.

Talking to people from different sides of issues to get pieces of the puzzle.

Attempting to fit the puzzle pieces together.

Sitting in the audience and hearing so many points on various topics these past several months, I thought I would have a basic working knowledge when I became a trustee.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Until you are a trustee, you have no idea the items you face which you cannot share, and should not share because of confidentiality.  Items that the public doesn't know when they form an opinion of your votes, your demeanor in meetings, your stance, overall. 

I am a strong proponent of transparency in governmental actions.  Always have been.  Finding how to navigate the fine line between what the public has a right to know and what has to remain confidential because of legality, well, that's the struggle.  That's the teeter-totter of being in this position, in my opinion. 

I find it's much easier to sit in the audience or to stand and speak your thoughts at the podium then it is to be on the other side.  That became apparent to me after one meeting.  When a resident comes to a meeting or feels moved enough to speak and address the board, it's because they feel strongly enough about a topic (or topics) to take the opportunity to be heard; whether simply by mere their presence or by their spoken words. 

On the other side, however, we need to take those acts into account, as well as all other opinions, facts, research, etc. that impact a topic.  While individuals feel strongly about topics which directly impact them, as they should, a trustee can't do that and be doing their job well.  Individual residents have their own perception, which is their reality.  Trustees must take all of those individual perceptions and treat them respectfully and thoughtfully as they move ahead with what's best for the Village as a whole.

That is the challenge. 

While I can't promise I will always make the decisions that everyone wants me to make, I can promise my decisions will be my decisions, made after careful and lengthy self-deliberation, and they will be made in the best interest of the Village.

With that, I'm off...and walking.

It is what it is.

p

Thoughts, questions, comments about the Village?  Please email: pbstewart2017@gmail.com