The hushed crowd stood with heads tilted up, following as the balloons became small dots.
Several people were around me, yet I felt as if I was by myself.
I began to tear up.
It was unexpected.
I had been doing fine. The atmosphere was so upbeat and positive. So many people coming together for these two young adults who were taken too soon.
It was another day of celebration for Leo Alfano and Morgan McKinnon. It was the third time we'd come together like this. A fundraiser for A.B.A.T.E. in their name.
But, this year, it was also Morgan's 21st Birthday. The balloons were released in her honor.
Maybe it hit me because we'd recently celebrated our own daughter's 21st, too.
The stark reality hit me hard. The what-if's and the why's.
Picturing Morgan at 21. Picturing Leo at 22 or 23. What would they look like today?
I found a chair near the waters edge and sat down. People talking all around me. Laughter and music in the background.
I couldn't help but look back up at the sky.
The balloons were gone and all I could do was keep staring.
I'll come to these Celebrations as long as I'm able. I know that. Because I loved these kids and love them still. My family feels the same. This was the first year all six of us were able to come together. What a blessing.
But my feelings are changing, I think, in terms of how I see this day now. The incredible pain has numbed some. In its place is this sadness for what won't be. What can't be.
Frozen in time.
These two can't have the normal things we enjoy each day, each year.
Obviously that's what happens when one passes away.
But really feeling that, deep in my soul, has begun to happen more and more.
Frozen in time.
My memories with them have an expiration date. There will be no others.
Damn. I would do anything to change that.
I noticed my son, Blaize, looking down at me and asking what was wrong. He saw the silent tears.
I told him I just needed a moment and I'd be ok.
I wiped the tears and smiled a tiny bit.
It was a time to celebrate and that's what I was going to do. Sometimes we need a minute to regroup. Sometimes we need a minute to really feel. I had my moment and there will be more. But not now.
Leo and Morgan would want me to hold tight to my loved ones and continue living...continue making memories.
I'll do that.
For them.
It is what it is.
p
