I've been feeling so many unfamiliar emotions these past months. As the months have turned into weeks and then days...I started feeling a way I haven't ever before.
Our kids have each left to go away for college.
One by one.
Those days, moving them into their dorms, were so hard because our life shifted.
One less child at home.
We did that four times.
It became a bit easier with each one and our family adjusted to the new living arrangements.
Today was different.
We watched Braxton walk away and board an airplane.
We can't take a weekend trip to the place he's going.
How can your heart be bursting with pride and breaking with sadness at the same time?
We've known Braxton was leaving.
He joined the Peace Corps months ago.
Yet, the departure date was so far away that I was able to justify it in my mind as a distant event and I was able to rationalize the trip as not something I had to worry about for awhile.
I watched him unpacking and repacking his bags last night. Double-checking. Triple-checking. How can he possibly know what he needs for 27 months in another continent?
He's flying out of Illinois and will end up in Pennsylvania for a few days of training. Then, he'll eventually end up in Africa by the middle of this next week.
His new home.
He'll be thousands of miles away from us.
We don't know if he'll be able to text or even call. Mail isn't an option until he gets settled with his host family. So we're not certain how we'll communicate.
We've always been a family who talks to each other everyday. Even when the kids were in school, if we didn't talk on the phone, we'd make sure we sent goodnight texts. Every single night.
This is the first time I won't be able to send one to Braxton.
He won't be able to send one to us.
I don't like it.
I like to say goodnight to my kids. Even better, I like to be able to picture where they are. Their dorm room...their fraternity/sorority house...their apartment.
Not this time.
How can your heart be bursting with pride and breaking from sadness at the same time?
The flip side of my sadness is immense pride.
My son is going to serve in the Peace Corps and give back to others for over two years of his life.
I don't think I would have been strong enough to leave everything I know to go another continent at that age. Actually, I know I wouldn't have been.
Much like parents whose children serve in the military the pride I feel is bittersweet. You know your child is following their calling and, yet, it takes them away from you. It changes everything about your family dynamic.
We wouldn't want it any other way. But it doesn't mean it isn't painful to watch unfold.
I've felt like I haven't been able to find the words which truly describe the roller coaster this has put us all through. Unusual for me, I know. Words are not usually a struggle.
When it comes down to it, I want all my children to follow their dreams when they have that chance. My job is to be supportive and let them go.
But the mom in me wants them all to be close...within calling distance...within driving distance.
It will be over two years before Braxton comes home.
We know this.
Our family dynamic changed today like never before.
I'm going to let the tears flow.
I'm going to let my heart hurt.
I'm going to pray for his safety.
I'm going to embrace the change because I know how much it means to Braxton.
How can your heart be bursting with pride and breaking from sadness at the same time?
I'll think about the world map the kids gave me for Mother's Day which hangs at the top of our stairs.
Braxton came up with the quote that sits on a little gold plaque at the left bottom corner: 'We May Go, But Our Hearts Stay Home.'
He's not here...but his heart is.
I told him this morning...as I was telling him goodbye...that in order to change the world he has to experience it. And I am so proud that he wants to do this service for others.
I'm extremely lucky to watch my child go and live his life how he wants...following his passion.
But I'm also not afraid to say I'm going to have bad days when I just want him back with us. With me.
It's going to be a struggle. I'm going to try my best to remember how blessed we are.
This 27 months apart will make us love each other even more.
How can I see anything but positive in that?
p
