It hasn't turned out the way I saw it in my head.
Actually, I didn't see myself at this age.
Trying to imagine what I'd be like several decades down the road wasn't easy to accomplish. How could I possibly know?
I'm in my 50's now and it seems like it happened so fast. Years have flown. Suddenly, I'm past middle-age.
Wow. When did that happen?
There have been curveballs thrown at me along the way.
I didn't anticipate my mom dying when I was in my 30's. It made me grow up overnight.
I didn't fathom my dad and I becoming estranged soon after. It made me cherish my own children even more.
Those were awful and totally unexpected events which rocked my base.
But, the part of my life that has completely blindsided me is the fact my four children GREW UP...they somehow became adults and there are times I struggle to look at them without seeing the faces of the little kids they once were.
When you're a mom who has four kids within five years, you spend the majority of your 20's, 30's, and 40's immersed in motherhood.
I didn't picture that I'd be facing this withdrawal that I am. The sadness and emptiness that comes with the end of 'mothering' my kids.
The reorganizing of who I am.
I'm a mom.
I'm a wife.
I know this.
I'm more than that, though.
I don't want to lose ME and sometimes I feel like it would be easy to just see myself as what I am to my family. Instead of who I am to myself.
On my own.
I tell my kids to find what makes them happy.
I've been doing the same.
Kind of been forced to do it as life doesn't slow down for you to catch up.
I have to say that I am looking forward to this new year.
I'm at peace with my journey so far. I wouldn't change a thing because it's brought me to exactly where I'm meant to be.
I have a wonderful husband of over 28 years. He's a man I've loved since I was 13 and he's my best friend. Can't get much luckier in that department.
I have been blessed with four healthy and happy children. And although I would turn back the hands of time in a minute to make them all small again, I'm trying to embrace the future with adult children. I'm trying to appreciate 'what's next' instead of long for the past.
Well, in all honesty, I'll always long for the past-where they're concerned-but I am excited about what the next decade will bring for them all.
For us, as a family.
But 2017 is going to be about reconnecting with myself.
I can't be who I used to be. Nor do I want to. But I can take a part of who I was into the new year.
It's ok to admit it's tough. And will continue to be tough.
But life should be about growing and stretching yourself to be more than you were before.
All I have to do is look at the kids Ed and I have raised to see what my life has been about this far.
They are the truest reflection of who I am.
They push me to be a person they can be proud of.
In the end, I know, no matter what happens from this point on, that having the love and support of Ed and our kids is all I'll ever need.
Anything extra...well, it's what they call icing on the cake.
Here's to the new year and all that it implies.
It is what it is.
p
