Your mom is the first example of what 'love' means. You don't know it, in the beginning, of course.
She's simply your first love. Your 'first' everything.
I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.
I wanted to be a mommy like my mommy.
When your foundation is shaken and the person you have the closest connection to in this world--she gave you actual life--is no longer here...well, it's indescribable. Even for a person who finds words easily, I have not yet found the right ones to express this emotion of loss.
Though I lost my mom nearly 16 years ago, it's as fresh and as raw as if it was yesterday. If I don't think about it, don't really think about it, it's almost bearable.
I have my moments and I let the tears flow. But, for whatever reason, I tend to do this in private. Not in front of Ed or in front of our kids.
She's supposed to be here.
It's been well-over a month since we lost my mother-in-law.
Recently, Ed told me he wanted to apologize to me. He said he rarely asks about my mom or about how I'm feeling. He said now that he's lost his mom--well, he can empathize like never before.
Of course, I told him there was nothing to apologize for because he would have had no possible way of knowing until it happened to him. He's always been supportive.
We talk about how lucky we were.
Now, my mom was hardly perfect. She could drive me crazy sometimes, yet, I looked forward to talking to her each and everyday. We had ups and downs in our relationship but I never had a doubt how much she loved me and my brother. She was the base of all we are today. I could never repay her. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me how to love my children.
Ed and his mom shared an often unspoken love between them. If you knew them, there was not a doubt how deeply they cared about each other. Everything Janet did was with Ed in mind.
Our moms were different.
And, our moms were the same.
They loved us.
We're in our early 50's now and both our moms are gone.
We don't like being the grown-ups.
I don't like being the only female left in our kids lives. It's too soon. Way too soon.
I suppose this is the way life goes. The natural progression.
Our own mortality is hitting us square in the face.
Of course we know no one lives forever, but I often think about how sad life is that our kids weren't able to have their grandmothers for longer--and us--have our mom's.
They were quite a pair.
I remember my mom saying, when she got her cancer diagnosis, how envious she was of Janet. The fact that Janet would be able to see our kids grow up and she wouldn't. Mom said our kids were lucky they would have Janet there for them.
Now, mom and Janet are together again. I'm sure Janet has filled mom in on anything she's missed.
I can imagine them laughing and smiling.
They're supposed to be here.
It is what it is.
p
