He wasn't planned.
He was the start of our family.
He changed who I was.
Our oldest son was conceived after I had decided to go back to college. I was working on a degree and would go to school each day and get sick in the college restroom. I kept thinking that I had the flu. But the flu doesn't last three months.
I was nearly four months pregnant before I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive.
Ed and I were having our first child.
We were young and scared to death. We still talk about how we brought him home from the hospital and put him on our waterbed. Yes, we had a waterbed back in 1990 and it rocked him softly until the waves settled back to stillness.
Ed and I looked at each other and wondered out loud how the hospital had let us bring this baby home with us. Didn't they know we didn't have a clue how to raise him?
I often say now that we made all our 'new parent mistakes' on Braxton. The familiar curse of the fist-born child. He paved the way for his future siblings.
Braxton Edward Stewart made me a mom on October 11, 1990.
His first name was decided upon as we watched the Denver Broncos playing during a Monday night football telecast. A talented player repeatedly had his name mentioned and Ed said he liked the name. It was Tyrone Braxton. I wasn't sure if Ed meant he liked Tyrone or Braxton, but once he clarified, I fell in love with his choice. We had already decided his middle name would be Edward for Ed. Growing up without a dad of his own, I knew if this baby was a boy that he needed to have Ed's name. To be honest, I can't really remember what names we had picked for girls. I had felt this baby was a boy and I was right.
He changed who I was.
I never knew how totally and completely a mom could fall in love with her baby until Braxton. The times spent nursing, the times spent rocking, the times spent holding, and the times spent simply looking at this tiny human who I had given birth to remain some of the most incredible moments I've had on this earth. He was a combination of both of his parents. Such a miracle.
My family was still whole when Braxton was born. He was spoiled and cherished by us, both sets of grandparents, and some great-grandparents, too.
When he was about eight months old, the matriarch of our family began a battle with leukemia and she wasn't going to win. My grandma Daisy was such a role-model for me. She taught me how important family is and what unconditional love looks like. My brother and I were lucky enough to grow up with her in our lives and I was thrilled to share my own child with her and my grandpa.
I was struggling to be the kind of mom, to Braxton, that she was to my dad and his brother so many years before. But, I felt so awkward and clumsy compared to my grandma. Like most grandma's, no one can do what they can. End of story.
He changed who I was.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, we were in her hospital room after a set-back due to her diagnosis. She looked at me as I stood at the foot of her bed and told me it was bad.
I stood there.
The tears streaming down my face blurred her shape on the bed. But, her voice came through loud and clear. In her last moments, almost urgently, she told me I was a wonderful mother to Braxton. She said I was a natural.
I can't really explain the impact those words had on me. I almost felt an ease come over my body and a comfort surround me. She needed me to know I was like her. I could do this motherhood thing.
He changed who I was.
If I've said it once, I've said it many times in my blogs. I've only known two things for certain in my life. I knew I would marry Ed and I knew I wanted to be a mom.
I think all parents wonder if they are doing right by their children. We make multiple mistakes on countless occasions but we do the best we can. Looking back, I know I was a maniac with my obsession of keeping Braxton clean at all times. I don't think the kid was dirty for the entire first year of his life. But, I knew I was meant to be his mom. I knew now, thanks to my grandma, that I would be able to be the mom he deserved.
Braxton celebrated his 29th birthday last month.
That tiny human who made us parents has become more than I could have ever imagined.
How could I have possibly known the joy and the pride with which he would fill my heart?
His kindness and compassion astound me. His pure heart and clear vision for what's right and what's wrong is a constant example for me to follow.
What a gift he was then.
What a gift he is now.
He changed who I was.
He changed who I am.
Braxton Edward, I love you. I love you. I love you.
It is what it is.
p
