Losing Leo...

It was a dream, wasn't it?

It's been nearly two years since that horrific night an accident took Leo Alfano and his girlfriend, Morgan McKinnon, from all of us who love them. 

But, it wasn't a dream.

It is our reality.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I don't care what people say.

Each day is a reminder of what was and what can never be again.

There's a slow acceptance of this new reality but there can never be healing. This kind of a loss leaves an open wound. As Tonia says, it's about making it through one moment at a time. If you make it through that moment, you move on to the next.  One small effort, again and again. 

I've felt loss before.  Unfortunately, many of us have.  I stood beside my mom as she suffered and fought pancreatic cancer, for a year and a half, before I lost her.  It was excruciating. 

But that pain and this pain are extremely different. 

When we lose a child we love, it's a pain I can't describe.  Yes, even more cutting than that of my beloved mom.  Because she had a chance to live.  Losing a young person is an abrupt end to what was ahead for them. 

They leave behind a life unlived. 

While Leo was not our child, I know my husband and I think of him as another son.  It's just the way it was.  Leo was always with Brody.  In and out of our house.  Brody at Leo's house.  Brody gone an entire weekend because he was at the Alfano's.  He spent more time at their house than he did ours during their high school years.  Who could blame him?  I would have rather been at the Alfano's house...it's a kid's dream!

The bond we had was so deep that even I didn't realize the extent of the connection until it was broken on July 18, 2013.

Remembering our daughter Bentley's anguished scream at our bedroom door as she told us the news...her voice had a tone I have never heard before.  It was raw emotion. I will never get it out of my mind.  I know she can't either.

Remembering Brody sitting on the stairs with his head in both hands, silent.  How can you possibly find the words at that moment?  We couldn't.  We just wanted to hug him and somehow help him with the one thing we could never fix.  It was the most useless I have ever felt as a mom. 

The days that followed were a blur.  Seeing Sam, Tonia, Pete and Filie for the first time after his death...crying, hugging, listening and loving.

Organizing the candlelight vigil, I was hoping for a good turn-out of all those close to Leo and Morgan.  Those who loved them.  Well, that happened.  The number of people who came, however, was more than we could have imagined. We couldn't see from our vantage point at the JSA fields, but we saw pictures after...and were told there were over a thousand people filling the length of a soccer field and beyond...there to show their love for the Alfano's and the McKinnon's in memory of Leo and Morgan.  I was awe-struck.  So much love for these two and their families.

The year of 'firsts' has passed and we have almost reached year two without them. 

Much has changed. 

Much is still the same.

They leave behind a life unlived.

For those of us who remain and who mourn, we draw strength from them and the time they shared with us. 

The life they did have, was lived to the fullest...loved to the fullest. 

That's a lesson for all of us. 

No.  I won't 'get over it' because I know time isn't going to help what I feel.

But I am grateful and I am blessed I knew Leo and Morgan. 

Losing Leo...well, it changed my life. 

He lives inside my heart now.

Forever 19. 

Forever 'imperfectly' perfect in my mind. 

Forever missing him. 

Forever loving him.

When it's quiet, I can almost hear his voice again.  Almost. 

It is what it is.

p

Remembering Uncle Don...

My husband's family is huge. Mainly because his grandparents, Bill & Ruby Farmer Stewart, had 10 children.  Even though one son died in infancy, their other 9 children went on to grow, marry and start families of their own.  Their children did the same, of course...and so on.  You can imagine how quickly the family multiplied.  The fact his Grandma Ruby also came from a good sized family, there are oodles of extended family, as well.   His Grandpa Bill's twin brother added to the mix, too.

I met my husband in 7th grade and, although he says he didn't like me very much then, we started dating in 8th or 9th grade and have been together (except for a few high school hiccups) since then.  So, being thrown into this enormous family started for me when I was 13 or so.  I remember going into his Grandparent's house, for the first time, on a Sunday when everyone would come over for Ruby's famous fried chicken.  Conversation stopped when we came in because they had to find out who Janet's boy, Eddie, was bringing to dinner. 

I was terrified. 

But, like all the others who came before me...and the ones who have come after...we made it.  Once the initial introductions were made, we were accepted and treated as family. 

Sundays were filled with noontime dinners at Bill and Ruby's that included all the aunts and uncles with nieces and nephews in tow. 

These people allowed me into their world.  I could see the love they had for my husband and that meant the world to me because I knew what they all meant to him.

I met Ed's Uncle Don along with the rest.  He was married to my mother-in law's sister, Esta.  He was the funny one.  The one who made an effort to make me feel comfortable.  I could tell he had an incredible love for his wife and his son, Donnie, and daughter, Kathy.  My husband had a special attachment to these four because when his mom would go to work, they would babysit him and, as he grew, he would go everywhere they went. Without a doubt, they truly are his family.  He considers Donnie and Kathy his brother and sister.  His Uncle Don and Aunt Esta are a second mom and dad.

Two years ago today, we lost Don after an illness. 

Our family light dimmed that day.

He brought so much love and caring into the fold that once he was gone there was a void that no one else can fill. 

Today I remember the man who loved my husband, unselfishly and as if he was his own, when he didn't have to do it. 

Today I remember the man who showed me how to love your children and how 'doing anything for them' is just what we do as parents. No questions asked.

Today I remember the man who loved only one woman and was never afraid to show it. 

Yes, he was only my uncle by marriage.  But, I consider him my uncle, too.  He was certainly there for me and I know he felt that way about all of us who are the 'outlaws' in the family

When we get together now, there's no more storytelling from Don.  No more laughing at him and with him.  No more watching him dance until he dropped at weddings, etc.  No more incessant talking about the Cubs.  Oh, wait, I guess there is that because Donnie still talks about them!

The light he brought into the family is gone and we all see things in a much dimmer shade without him.  The family dynamic won't ever be the same without Don.

Words are never adequate for explaining a loss.  But when you lose a loved one, the fact everything changed with their death, says all you need to say about their importance and place within your life.

Today I remember Don Gillis.

It is what it is.

p