Losing Leo...

It was a dream, wasn't it?

It's been nearly two years since that horrific night an accident took Leo Alfano and his girlfriend, Morgan McKinnon, from all of us who love them. 

But, it wasn't a dream.

It is our reality.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I don't care what people say.

Each day is a reminder of what was and what can never be again.

There's a slow acceptance of this new reality but there can never be healing. This kind of a loss leaves an open wound. As Tonia says, it's about making it through one moment at a time. If you make it through that moment, you move on to the next.  One small effort, again and again. 

I've felt loss before.  Unfortunately, many of us have.  I stood beside my mom as she suffered and fought pancreatic cancer, for a year and a half, before I lost her.  It was excruciating. 

But that pain and this pain are extremely different. 

When we lose a child we love, it's a pain I can't describe.  Yes, even more cutting than that of my beloved mom.  Because she had a chance to live.  Losing a young person is an abrupt end to what was ahead for them. 

They leave behind a life unlived. 

While Leo was not our child, I know my husband and I think of him as another son.  It's just the way it was.  Leo was always with Brody.  In and out of our house.  Brody at Leo's house.  Brody gone an entire weekend because he was at the Alfano's.  He spent more time at their house than he did ours during their high school years.  Who could blame him?  I would have rather been at the Alfano's house...it's a kid's dream!

The bond we had was so deep that even I didn't realize the extent of the connection until it was broken on July 18, 2013.

Remembering our daughter Bentley's anguished scream at our bedroom door as she told us the news...her voice had a tone I have never heard before.  It was raw emotion. I will never get it out of my mind.  I know she can't either.

Remembering Brody sitting on the stairs with his head in both hands, silent.  How can you possibly find the words at that moment?  We couldn't.  We just wanted to hug him and somehow help him with the one thing we could never fix.  It was the most useless I have ever felt as a mom. 

The days that followed were a blur.  Seeing Sam, Tonia, Pete and Filie for the first time after his death...crying, hugging, listening and loving.

Organizing the candlelight vigil, I was hoping for a good turn-out of all those close to Leo and Morgan.  Those who loved them.  Well, that happened.  The number of people who came, however, was more than we could have imagined. We couldn't see from our vantage point at the JSA fields, but we saw pictures after...and were told there were over a thousand people filling the length of a soccer field and beyond...there to show their love for the Alfano's and the McKinnon's in memory of Leo and Morgan.  I was awe-struck.  So much love for these two and their families.

The year of 'firsts' has passed and we have almost reached year two without them. 

Much has changed. 

Much is still the same.

They leave behind a life unlived.

For those of us who remain and who mourn, we draw strength from them and the time they shared with us. 

The life they did have, was lived to the fullest...loved to the fullest. 

That's a lesson for all of us. 

No.  I won't 'get over it' because I know time isn't going to help what I feel.

But I am grateful and I am blessed I knew Leo and Morgan. 

Losing Leo...well, it changed my life. 

He lives inside my heart now.

Forever 19. 

Forever 'imperfectly' perfect in my mind. 

Forever missing him. 

Forever loving him.

When it's quiet, I can almost hear his voice again.  Almost. 

It is what it is.

p