Embracing Estrangement...

I found myself, at age 37, with no parents. 

Our four children suddenly had no maternal grandparents. 

A jolt to say the least. 

My mom's death, from pancreatic cancer, changed much more than I could have ever anticipated or imagined. 

Losing one parent by circumstance is hard enough. Losing the other, by choice, is another. 

I had a wonderful childhood. Some would call it idyllic. For the most part, it was. 

I was raised to be a strong, independent person. I was encouraged to fight for the underdog. I was told to try to be kind and understanding. I felt empowered to question when the situation was warranted. 

It was that very questioning which caused the estrangement that is now a part of my life. Questioning created a rift and a split from all I had known. 

It's been nearly 14 years now. My life has taken different twists and turns. Many of those would have been a time, in the past, that I would have called my mom or my dad for advice...or just to talk something through. 

I don't feel sorry for myself. 

Simply surprised that this is what happened to my family. I would have never believed it if someone had told me. 

Estrangement from a parent is perhaps as equally as devastating as losing a parent to cancer. 

One left by no fault of her own. 

The other left of his own volition. 

Both are losses, in my mind.

But, after all these years, I look back and see the beauty of my childhood and I hold on to that. 

I thank God for my husband. I thank God for our four children. People remark, from time to time, how close the six of us are. While I have no doubt we would have been close regardless...I can't help but wonder if our unusual bond is due to the fact we have relied so heavily on each other because of our circumstances. 

I don't really care. I only know I am eternally grateful for these five people who know the real me. They love me, even when they'd like to strangle me, and they are here for me...unconditionally. 

Together, we've learned that life isn't easy and it isn't always perfect. It throws you curves and the unexpected heartache. 

But more than that, life is wonderful. The negatives have a way of bringing you positives. Sometimes, you just have to look in places you've haven't looked before. But, somewhere, there's a positive. 

I can't talk to either of my parents anymore. 

They are both beyond my reach. 

I like to think that they brought me to a certain point in my life and I took it from there. 

I love my parents for loving me. For making me that strong, independent person who fights for the underdog and tries to be kind as well as understanding. 

And for teaching me to question. 

It cost me dearly...an estrangement from my dad. But, it happened the way it was supposed to happen. I honestly don't regret my actions and I wouldn't change a thing on my part. 

I have told our four children that this estrangement has made me firm in my belief that there is nothing they could do or say to me which would cause me to cut them, nor the grandchildren I hope to one day have, off from my life. 

Nothing. 

I guess we learn from our parents. 

I have certainly learned from mine. 

My family of six is bound tightly. 

Completely. 

Unconditionally. 

Eternally. 

Death of one parent and estrangement of the other has taught me the importance of that bond. 

It is what it is. 

p

 

Mom's Weekend...

Sometimes I'm amazed how quickly my life has gone by. 

So much of my 20's were spent with our four babies and I was immersed in diapers and bottles with time for little else. 

Since each of their births, our kids have been the axis on which Ed and my world revolves. 

It's the way we wanted it. 

Early on, we made the decision that I would stay home and be with our kids-all four born within five years time-and Ed would be our soul financial provider. 

We sacrificed a lot in those days. Families do that when they live on one salary and are just starting out. 

We wouldn't have had it any other way. 

We were blessed that Ed's profession allowed us all we needed for our kids. Though he sometimes would travel, and be gone from Monday morning until Friday night, our kids knew where their Daddy was and our weekends were spent together...the six of us. 

Seeing the kids grow has been such a joy. When I look at them now, I'm still amazed they are all adults. 

It's been a long time since they've needed me to 'take care' of them but we are still as bonded as we were then. 

This weekend, at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, will be the last Mom's weekend I'll get to spend with all four of our kids. All three boys will be gone next year. Braxton will be in Macedonia serving in the Peace Corps, Blaize hopes to be in New York fulfilling his career goals in journalism, and Brody will have graduated and moved on, as well, into his new life. Only Bentley will still be there. From four...down to one. 

Each Spring, Ed and I go for Mom's weekend. I know he's not a Mom but I go for Dad's weekend with him...so we're even. We want to all be together as much as possible. 

The boys fraternity hosts a Mom's luncheon with flowers on the tables and delicious food. Bentley's sorority has a yummy brunch. Both houses have an auction of donated 'baskets' that mom's put together. I always enjoy picking out the perfect things for both the Alpha Sigs and the Chi Omegas. 

And...as with most college activities...there will be alcohol. Now, I'm not much of a drinker. Never have been. Our kids get their drinking gene from the Stewart side. 😉. 

But the Alpha Sigs have a vast selection of alcohol that I actually like and this is a weekend I do drink with our kids, their friends, and the other mom's and dads we've become close to over the years. 

I can't describe the feeling. 

Catching up with these families. Listening to the future plans of these amazing young adults. Sharing stories, sharing laughs, sharing this time in our lives...our kid's college experience has been a time I have enjoyed, immensely. 

Two years ago, the boys frat rented out the back room of a bar, named Joe's, for all of us mom's. 

I did something I had never done. 

As we were sipping some of the drink specials, I noticed the 'stripper poles' I'd heard the kids talk about. Lots of college kids were up there on the platform dancing by the poles. 

Then it hit me. I was going to surprise my kids and jump up on the platform. 

Yep, I was going up on that stripper pole!

Needless to say, all three boys joined me immediately. 

What a memorable night. 

It was out of my comfort zone.

Yes, I looked foolish. 

This picture is unflattering and embarrassing. 

But, who cares!

Life is about taking those crazy thoughts and going for it!

I didn't last long. Tired out quickly. But I was happy to see lots of mom's hop up on that platform after I got down. 

My relationship with our kids has changed over the years. 

But, these kids are my world. 

I would do anything to spend time with them...to enjoy the moments we have. 

Even get on a stripper pole. 

It is what it is. 

p