He changed who I was...

We weren't trying to have a baby.

He wasn't planned.

He was the start of our family.

He changed who I was.

Our oldest son was conceived after I had decided to go back to college. I was working on a degree and would go to school each day and get sick in the college restroom.  I kept thinking that I had the flu. But the flu doesn't last three months.

I was nearly four months pregnant before I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive.

Ed and I were having our first child.

We were young and scared to death. We still talk about how we brought him home from the hospital and put him on our waterbed. Yes, we had a waterbed back in 1990 and it rocked him softly until the waves settled back to stillness.

Ed and I looked at each other and wondered out loud how the hospital had let us bring this baby home with us. Didn't they know we didn't have a clue how to raise him?

I often say now that we made all our 'new parent mistakes' on Braxton. The familiar curse of the fist-born child.  He paved the way for his future siblings.

Braxton Edward Stewart made me a mom on October 11, 1990.

His first name was decided upon as we watched the Denver Broncos playing during a Monday night football telecast. A talented player repeatedly had his name mentioned and Ed said he liked the name. It was Tyrone Braxton. I wasn't sure if Ed meant he liked Tyrone or Braxton, but once he clarified, I fell in love with his choice. We had already decided his middle name would be Edward for Ed. Growing up without a dad of his own, I knew if this baby was a boy that he needed to have Ed's name. To be honest, I can't really remember what names we had picked for girls. I had felt this baby was a boy and I was right.

He changed who I was.

I never knew how totally and completely a mom could fall in love with her baby until Braxton. The times spent nursing, the times spent rocking, the times spent holding, and the times spent simply looking at this tiny human who I had given birth to remain some of the most incredible moments I've had on this earth. He was a combination of both of his parents. Such a miracle.

My family was still whole when Braxton was born. He was spoiled and cherished by us, both sets of grandparents, and some great-grandparents, too.

When he was about eight months old, the matriarch of our family began a battle with leukemia and she wasn't going to win. My grandma Daisy was such a role-model for me. She taught me how important family is and what unconditional love looks like. My brother and I were lucky enough to grow up with her in our lives and I was thrilled to share my own child with her and my grandpa.

I was struggling to be the kind of mom, to Braxton, that she was to my dad and his brother so many years before. But, I felt so awkward and clumsy compared to my grandma. Like most grandma's, no one can do what they can. End of story.

He changed who I was.

The last time I spoke to my grandma, we were in her hospital room after a set-back due to her diagnosis. She looked at me as I stood at the foot of her bed and told me it was bad.

I stood there.

The tears streaming down my face blurred her shape on the bed. But, her voice came through loud and clear. In her last moments, almost urgently, she told me I was a wonderful mother to Braxton. She said I was a natural.

I can't really explain the impact those words had on me. I almost felt an ease come over my body and a comfort surround me. She needed me to know I was like her. I could do this motherhood thing.

He changed who I was.

If I've said it once, I've said it many times in my blogs. I've only known two things for certain in my life. I knew I would marry Ed and I knew I wanted to be a mom.

I think all parents wonder if they are doing right by their children. We make multiple mistakes on countless occasions but we do the best we can. Looking back, I know I was a maniac with my obsession of keeping Braxton clean at all times. I don't think the kid was dirty for the entire first year of his life. But, I knew I was meant to be his mom. I knew now, thanks to my grandma, that I would be able to be the mom he deserved.

Braxton celebrated his 29th birthday last month.

That tiny human who made us parents has become more than I could have ever imagined.

How could I have possibly known the joy and the pride with which he would fill my heart?

His kindness and compassion astound me. His pure heart and clear vision for what's right and what's wrong is a constant example for me to follow.

What a gift he was then.

What a gift he is now.

He changed who I was.

He changed who I am.

Braxton Edward, I love you. I love you. I love you.

It is what it is.

p

"You are my sunshine..."

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away.

She wasn't planned. We already had three sons within three years (Braxton, born in 1990; Blaize, born in 1992; and Brody, born in 1993) and had decided to 'wait a little bit' to decide whether or not we wanted to try to have any more children.  

God had other ideas.

September 1, 1995, Bentley Lynne joined our family and made us Stewart: Party of 6.

Most people assume we kept having children because we were trying to get at least 'one' of each sex. 

Not true.

The fact that we had three boys made the assumption even greater as nearly everyone would ask us if we would 'keep trying' in order to have a little girl.

Beni will joke that we, or I, 'didn't want her' because I often tell people that I always assumed I would be a mom to only boys. I loved raising our sons and I felt comfortable doing it. Our boys were so close in age that they did everything together and raising them was so natural that I really could not imagine how a girl would fit into the picture of us. 

Of course, I knew there was a 50/50 chance I'd had a daughter, eventually. Still, I never expected having one. Because, you know, I was only supposed to have boys! 

Or, so I thought. 

When we went for the sonogram and they were able to tell us the sex of our fourth child, Ed and I decided to go ahead and find out. 

Hearing it was a girl was such a surreal experience for me and I can remember it quite vividly to this very day.

I felt shaken and uneasy.

I remember feeling suddenly inadequate because I would be giving birth to a child I had no idea how to raise.

You are my sunshine.

There's this thing about parenthood.  All your insecurities and all your doubts seem to fade away once you look at your child for the first time.  The reality hits that they will depend on you to be there for them, to take care of them, to protect them, and to love them. You have to get yourself together quickly and accept the challenge.

Somehow. You do it. 

I've heard people say being a parent is natural. 

I agree. 

Your relationship with your child happens. And it happens, organically. 

There's no instruction manual for parents. How reassuring it would be to have a 'boy' manual and a 'girl' manual at our disposal. Imagine if the hospital sent you home with both your baby and a users-guide! 

You are my sunshine.

We brought Bentley home to our house in Murrayville. Her brothers all shared one room (with bunk beds for Braxton and Blaize along with a crib for Brody) and their playroom was the second bedroom of our three bedroom house. So, without a true room of her own, Beni spent her first months in a bassinet being wheeled from room to room at night. Braxton and Blaize liked to help push her around. 

My fondest memory of that Murrayville home, besides being the first one we ever owned, was the picture I see in my mind of all three of her brothers surrounding Bentley as she lay on a blanket on the family room floor. 

She was tiny.  She was perfect and pink. She looked like a doll.

Her brothers would take turns covering her up with her blanket and they would sing to her.

You are my sunshine.

Over and over.

You are my sunshine.

This little person had made our family complete and she'd given us more than any of us had ever expected.

Thinking back to that day we had the sonogram, as we walked into the hall to wait to see the doctor, Ed said he thought we were having a girl because my Grandma Belobrajdic had sent her to me. He knew how much I loved my grandma. She had died about 8 months after Braxton, our first child, had been born. I hated that she didn't see our two other sons but when Ed told me he thought she sent our daughter to me, I felt a peace come over my whole body. I knew, in that moment, that this little girl I was carrying would be a gift.  

What I didn't know at the time--there's no possible way I could have--was that my mom (whose first name was given to Bentley as her middle name) would be diagnosed with terminal cancer and pass away when Bentley Lynne was only 6 years old. 

Had my grandma known this, too? That I would be losing the other important female in my life? That both of my female role models and family matriarchs would soon be gone? 

Recalling Ed's words, again, I was more convinced than ever that my grandma made sure our last child would be the girl I would so desperately need in the years ahead.

You are my sunshine.

She sent me Bentley. 

Our boys like to tease her that she's always been spoiled. Moving from Murrayville into what would be our second family home on South Main in South Jacksonville, Beni finally had a room little girls would dream of. Even though the boys exaggerate, she did had a great room complete with real picket fence attached to the walls and a wall/ceiling mural hand-painted by our friend, Joyce Nelson.

She probably has been spoiled. I can't deny it. 

She's turning 24 today and instead of that tiny doll-baby surrounded by her brothers, I see the most beautiful woman. 

She's breathtakingly beautiful.  I'm not only writing of her physical beauty but also the pureness of her heart and the true kindness of her soul. 

She's the very best parts of both my Grandma Belobrajdic and my mom.

She gives me that female link which is so important. She's my best friend. 

Happy Birthday, Beni Lynne. I love you more than you'll ever know!

My one and only little girl. 

Oh. I don't think I mentioned how the boys changed a couple words of the song they sang to their sister:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take our Bentley away.

It is what it is.

p

Our daughter, Bentley Lynne, turns 24 today. 

On being 'straight' at Pride...

I felt out of place. 

On being 'straight' at Pride...my stomach was churning and I felt as if a spotlight was on me as I started to walk through the large crowd filling the streets of Chicago. 

I had to stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm a straight, white, catholic, over-middle-aged woman. Surely, everyone could tell.  

Maybe I'd be asked to 'exit left!?'

Ed and I followed our son, Blaize, into the massive crowd.

Brody and Bentley were swallowed up by a sea of brightly dressed people. We did our best to keep up!

Smiles.

Hugs.

Dancing.

That's what I saw.

Laughter.

Singing.

Music.

That's what I heard. 

The noise was deafening and the sheer amount of people, packed into these city streets and sidewalks, was like nothing I'd ever experienced. 

This.  Was.  Pride.

I remember, at one point, stopping and having a quick moment to catch my breath and look around a bit. 

Total acceptance. 

I felt it for the first time in my entire life. 

People from all walks of life were here for one reason.

To celebrate LOVE and show PRIDE for what this emotion means to them.

Turns out, having our son 'come out' meant our world had expanded and had grown into--what would become--true acceptance. I am sure I have had closeted biases of my own. I'm human, after all, and that means I'm far from perfect. 

Luckily, I grew up in a home where we didn't judge and we weren't raised with prejudices. Everyone was created equal. Still, there remained an uneasiness for things I didn't fully understand. I lived my life a certain way and there's no way I could understand what others, different than I, were going through. I had no idea the biases and the prejudices they faced each and every day. 

When Blaize told us he identified as Bisexual, this put him smack dab in the center of the LGBTQ community. 

I had some learning to do. 

Once I realized Blaize hasn't changed and that he is the same incredible person I gave birth to all those years ago, things immediately became clearer. 

Like race and religion, sexual preference does not define a person.  It's simply who you are.

Oh, yes. I've heard how having a bisexual child is our fault, as his parents. Maybe I kissed him too much as a child and showed him too much affection. And Ed had maybe done the same so we somehow 'confused' Blaize. Affection from a mom and a dad. This is what makes a child bisexual?

I call bullshit.

We raised all four of our kids with the same love and they grew up who they were meant to be. 

Period.

As I was jostled in the huge Pride crowd at last year's Parade, I saw unconditional love and zero judgement. 

My heart swelled. I actually got tears in my eyes realizing how massive this outpouring was and how this is what the world is all about. 

On being 'straight' at Pride...I was the only one making myself feel uncomfortable. Truth!

I did belong here. 

Supporting our son has turned into so much more for us. We'll always be there for him but, in doing so, we've been exposed to an entirely different life than the one which we are accustomed. 

When I hear that being a part of the LGBTQ community is a 'choice,' all I can think is why in the world would anyone CHOOSE to be persecuted and to be judged on their lifestyle? Complete strangers judge our son because 'they don't agree' with who he is. I'd say that's my greatest concern for him--people won't bother to get to know the person he is but, instead, will feel completely justified in judging him and the community to which he belongs. 

Again, I call bullshit. 

This breaks my heart for him. He is who he was born to be. 

No choice about it. 

On being straight at Pride...it's taught me that I need to open my eyes to more than my comfortable, safe world. Before I judge, I need to 'walk in the shoes' of the LGBTQ community...even if it's only for one weekend a year in Chicago. 

We're heading back to Pride this weekend. 

I.

Can't.

Wait.

Blaize tells us how lucky he is that he has parents and siblings who completely support him and love him. I couldn't imagine not being there for any of my children. I'm their mom. This is what we do. 

We love. 

With that thought in mind, the shirts we will wear this weekend will be for all the people who don't have the luxury of 'coming out' and being accepted by those they love. 

FREE MOM HUGS, is what I'll wear.

FREE DAD HUGS, is Ed's.

FREE BROTHER HUGS, for Brody.

FREE SISTER HUGS, for Beni. 

On being 'straight' at Pride...I am straight. I don't hate. 

It is what it is.

p

"I've got some news about Rachel..."

The phone message from our cousin, Monica, left me wondering why her voice sounded strained and emotional. I couldn't imagine what news could possibly make her feel this way.  

"I want to fill you in on something," she said. 

I had been at a meeting earlier in the evening and it had run much longer than anticipated. It was after 10 p.m. when I finally had time to call Monica back. 

As she started talking, I had pulled in our driveway and was watching the garage door start to raise. 

"I've got some news about Rachel."

"It's cancer," Monica was saying. 

I brought the car to a stop in the garage and simply sat there. Listening to Monica run through a list of details which had transpired in a matter of just a few days. 

Rachel had found a lump.  

It was breast cancer. 

That conversation ended with Ed having come out to the garage to see what was taking me so long. Braxton and Brody had come out, too, so they overheard parts of my side of the conversation. 

After I hung up, I filled in the blanks for them and we didn't know what to say. It's the kind of news no one wants to hear. It's a shock which has your mind racing as it questions and wonders.

I called Blaize, in Chicago, to let him know. I woke Bentley up to tell her.

"I've got some news about Rachel." 

Our beautiful 35 year old cousin--the mother of twins--has cancer. 

What the hell?

In the few short weeks since, there have been changes in the initial diagnosis and adjustments to the treatment plan. 

Now, Rachel is facing a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis which has metastasized to her lymph nodes. 

It will be 6 years, this coming October, since we lost her dad to esophageal cancer. Roger fought long and hard. We miss him, and all he brought to our family, each and every day. 

With the passage of another year, you'd think it would become easier to come to terms with losing Roger. 

It's quite the opposite. 

"I've got some news about Rachel."

Feelings have come tumbling back. 

But, now, remembering Roger has turned into a feeling that he's here. He's watching over her...much as he did throughout the life they shared as father and daughter. He had a way of protecting his daughters and Brenda. I am confident he's doing it, again.

I remember Rach being born. I was dating Ed back then. We were in high school at the time. She tagged along with her big sister. Rachel idolized Monica. Now, their relationship is more than sisters. They're also each other's best friend. 

Over the years, I've often said Rachel and Monica are the sisters I never had. Along with their parents, Ed's extended family became so much more than that to us, as a couple, and to our four children. We've enjoyed numerous summer vacations together and can always count on each other...no matter what. 

We.

Are.

Family.

We laugh about how Monica and I are much more alike than she and Rachel. While Monica and I tend to 'tell it like it is,' Rachel is one of the truly kindest and most compassionate people I've ever met. She wouldn't dream of, inadvertently, hurting anyone. She reminds me of my own daughter, Bentley, as they both want to see the best in all and would sacrifice what they need in order to help someone else. 

I asked Monica, earlier today, if she thought it would be alright if I dedicated a blog to Rachel. A diagnosis like this can be life-changing and overwhelming and I needed to be certain Rachel would be comfortable with a public blog about her.  

Monica gave me the go-ahead.

I answered by telling Monica I know it may seem silly, but writing about my love for Rachel is about all I can do for her, at this point. And, I felt as if I needed Rach to know how much support and how many prayers are headed her way. 

All the good she brings into the world is coming back to her, ten-fold, in her time of need.

"I've got some news about Rachel."

Like so many who love our Rachel, we'll be beside her to help in any way she needs. 

I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Yes, I've questioned God and asked why he chose her for this test. I don't expect an answer and I doubt any of us will ever know. 

What I do know?

We love you, Rachel.  

Stewart strong. 

It is what it is.

p

I knew his face before I knew his name...

I don't remember exactly when I met him but I know it couldn't have been too long after my family first moved to town in the late 1970's. 

I knew his face before I knew his name.

Growing up in the local school district 'family' with my dad as the principal at Jefferson and then as the junior high principal, so many of the #117 staff became like extended members of my family. 

Ed Baldwin was one of those people. 

I went through elementary, junior high, and then graduated high school here. 

My husband, Ed, and I went to school with Ed Baldwin's son, Eddie. Our four kids went to school with Ed's grandson, Eddie. 

My Ed and Eddie Baldwin played football together. 

The Senior Ed Baldwin would always be watching from the sidelines. 

Two of our sons played football with Ed's grandson, Eddie.

The Senior Ed Baldwin was still watching from the sidelines. 

I knew his face before I knew his name. 

As I grew up and eventually began to work and to coach within the district, I got to know Ed beyond just recognizing him in a crowd.  

He always treated me like one of his family. 

When I coached at Turner, we would often be in the building early mornings and late nights. Ed would come in the gym and talk to me while I set up the volleyball nets. Or, I'd go seek him out as he was sweeping the floors in some part of the building and we'd catch up. 

I'd begin to notice that he would seem to know our practice schedules because the lights (which would take a long time to 'warm up' in those days) would be on before I'd get to school. On the really cold winter mornings, he'd make sure the heat was on so the girls would be able to practice without seeing their breath with each exhale. 

We became friends. 

We talked about the years he had worked with my dad. 

From early on, I would hear my dad say that the heartbeat of any school came from the secretaries and from the custodians.

Ed Baldwin used to tell me he never forgot that. He said he had felt respected during those years and he was grateful to be appreciated. 

Ed taught me that everyone in a building has a purpose and is important in the overall equation. Schools truly are families and Ed was a prime example of going above and beyond for those he cared about. 

I learned so much about the history of Turner from Ed.

He'd tell me about the early years at the junior high and the incredible moments he'd witnessed throughout the years. Even though I had been a student at Turner, I saw the building through Ed's eyes with each story he told. 

He was a treasure.    

A quick decade passed by and I stopped coaching and Ed moved to another building.

I would see him from time to time and we would always be sure to stop and talk. 

Ed was one of those people who, even though you might not see him that often, once he took you under his wing...you were there to stay. 

One of the last times I remember seeing Ed was at a JHS football game where he was working the pass gate. 

My husband and I walked up and Ed was sitting in a lawn chair. He saw us coming over to him and he got up. We both smiled and gave each other the hug longtime friends give after extended time apart. 

It brought me right back to those coaching days at Turner. So many hours spent with this man and the warmth and kindness he showed me then came flooding through my memories. 

Reading about Ed's passing on Facebook, I felt my heart skip a beat as I read the news on someone's post. 

How could this man, who was larger than life for me and countless others, really be gone? 

My thoughts immediately went to my former classmate, Eddie, and then to his son, Eddie. A long line of Edward Baldwin's. Thoughts also went to my friend, Mindy, for her tremendous loss.

Life has a way of moving on and, sadly, we lose people we love. 

I pray for comfort and for peace for son Eddie and grandson Eddie in the days ahead. For all of those who knew and loved Ed. 

To the man whose face I knew before I knew his name...Ed Baldwin...you became a man whose image is permanently etched in my memory. 

And, in my heart. 

I will never forget you, my friend.

It is what it is.

p

Their successes are my successes...

I'm one of those mom's who feels being a mother to my children is the single most important job I have ever had.

Professionally, I'm just coming into my own as an educator and feeling like I have a separate identity besides 'mom.' I absolutely love what I do. But, an income-driven job, which fills my bank account, is much less rewarding than the one which fills my heart.

Being a mom has always been what motivates me.

Being a mom has always been what fulfills me.

I remember back to when I had given birth to our first son, Braxton. My Grandma Belobrajdic was still alive and she looked at me while I was holding him. She said, "You're going to be such a good mother." I've repeated this story many, many times over the years. As she said that, I felt a calm come over me and I never once doubted my abilities to be a mom from that moment on.

While I am realistic enough to know there are many times I've failed my kids because I could have made different choices or ones which would have better fit a certain situation, I also know each decision I made or will make is done with their best interests in mind.

Everything is based on love for those four.

As our kids have grown into adults, I marvel at their successes. They've each achieved more than I ever had dreamed.

I feel their successes are my successes.

What I'm most proud of is how they treat the people in their lives.  I don't necessarily mean only the people they love, but everyone they run across.

The hardest part of being a parent is knowing your kids see and hear all you do.

You are the first example in their lives. It can be daunting and overwhelming to always be the one your children model themselves after.

My own mom was the best example of this I can remember. While she had distinct opinions of how people should act or react in any given situation, she treated people with kindness and respect. "Kill them with kindness," she would say. She was one of the kindest people I've ever known.

I haven't tried to fool myself that I am anywhere as compassionate or caring as my mom was, but I do feel I try extremely hard to follow her example.

She would be so happy to see her grandchildren have inherited her genuinely kind heart.

I feel their successes are my successes.

Today, our son Blaize is starting a new job in Chicago. It's a big step for him. While this is a professional success and I'm thrilled for the opportunities it will allow him, I am even prouder of the large community of friends and colleagues he has amassed since moving to the windy city a few years ago. His energy, empathy, and enthusiasm toward others gives him a solid base for a successful life.

He's succeeding because of who he is.

He's succeeding because of how he treats people. 

These are the days I cherish.

All we want, as mom's, is to give the world the best of us...in the form of our kids.

Our next generation.

May my kids continue to be better than I am.

May they continue to treat others with more kindness than I have.

Isn't that success?

It is what it is.

p

Back to 1...

A clean slate.

365 days suddenly reset all the way back to 1.

It's a do-over, of sorts.

A chance to take a moment to think about what you'd like to do.

Some people call them resolutions.  I don't make resolutions. Mainly, it's because I know I can't keep them.  They are made in the pressure of the moment and often are too lofty and unattainable to make any real sense.

The older I get, I’m starting to realize that the new year is more like a hope for less heartaches and more blessings then the 365 days just passed.

Everyone suffers heartaches.

Some of us more than others. And, unfortunately, a single string of 365 days can often bring more than one’s fair share.

I have no idea why this happens. I struggle, as others do, when searching for the meaning behind multiple heartaches.

Back to 1.

In 2018, we lost Ed's mom.  It was 16 years earlier when we lost mine.

Visiting Ebenezer Cemetery now, we walk from one mom's grave to the other, thankful that they are buried so close.  I think they would have liked that.

For us, well, we're the 'parents' now and we don't like it.  They're supposed to still be here.  Both of our mom's were taken too soon. 

Ed is an only child and he is lost without his mom.  Seeing his grief brings mine back to the surface.

I tend to push the loss aside and try not to think of the intensity.  Of how mad it makes me.  Of how sad it makes me.  Of how devastatingly lonely it makes me.  It never leaves me. Grief...sitting just beneath the surface...bubbling up at unexpected times.

Ed is going through what I did.  Trying to figure out how you go day-to-day without your parent.  I know what's ahead for him.  It won't be easy.  I know this because I am still struggling all these years later.

Back to 1.

The new year is another attempt.

Can you successfully make it through?  What does that mean to you? For you?

I look at my friends who have suffered similarly devastating losses over the years.  It could be argued theirs are even harder as they've lost a child or a spouse.  Those are losses I've not had.  My heart aches for them...for the loss I can't even imagine.

I think of my kids.  They've suffered the same losses as we have, and, yet they are impacted in other ways.  No grandparents left.  Ed's mom was the last grandparent they'd had and she was the only one in their lives since my mom's death.  Grandchildren are supposed to be surrounded by their grandparents.  Grow up with them.  Know the actual person and not just the stories we tell.

Back to 1.

This year it's down to just the kids and us.  It happened earlier than it should have...yet here we are. 

We’ll be okay. We have each other. 

Somehow the heartaches turn into those blessings I hope for each year.  I only need to look to find them.  It may only be a glimmer.  But there are blessings in the most unexpected places.

When your heart is broken, you draw those you love even closer to you.  You begin to pay attention to the little things.  You try to laugh a bit more than you had before.  You cherish the togetherness of friends and family.  Ed tells me not to sweat the small stuff.  I'm trying.  I really am.

Blessings will come.

They always do.

While I would prefer to have never had the heartaches, I understand we must suffer loss as a part of life.  It's the natural progression.

No, I didn't make any resolutions this year.

Instead, I will simply take one day at a time.

A year's journey awaits.

Heartaches.

Blessings.

2019 will be what it's supposed to be. Arm in arm with those I love. 

It is what it is.

p