My Mother's Day Looks Different Now...

It's been nearly 13 years since I have shared a Mother's Day with my mom.

When I allow myself to truly think about that, I am overcome with emotions.  Sometimes it's sorrow which, in turn, brings tears.  Sometimes it's disbelief that she's really gone, which brings tears, too.  Even after all these years, I instantly feel the tears when I think of her and I don't feel like I will ever get past this point.

I've come to realize that my grief is a lifelong process and I've come to terms with that.  I've come to terms with the fact that I will never 'get over' her death;  that I will never forget holding her hand as she took her last breath; and that I will never stop struggling to find a way to live without her.

I remember that final Mother's Day as being so important.  We knew it was her last one.  She had been on hospice care and was in and out of consciousness.  She had a day or two of perfect clarity.  We were told this was normal toward the end.  One of those days happened to be Mother's Day.  I'm not sure she understood the importance of that day.  I had prayed we'd have this last holiday together.  The ironic thing is that I honestly can't remember what we did or what we said that day.  It's a blur.  I just remember I needed that time with her, for some reason.

I do know this.  It was peaceful.  It was beautiful.  That's all that matters.

When Sunday comes, I will be blessed to have all four of my children home with me.  I try to focus on the gifts I have been given and the ones I continue to receive.  My children each possess some of my mom's attributes.  She lives on in them and I only need to look into their faces to know she is still with us. 

I know I will have a wonderful day with family.  Ed and the kids go out of their way to make me feel loved.  But, yes, my mom will be on my mind and in my heart.  I know I will find a time to privately grieve for her in the midst of everything else that goes on that day.  It's what I do now.  It's my way to survive the day.  It's my reality now.

When Sunday comes, I will think of my friend, Sharon, who will be spending her first Mother's Day without her mom.  There are no words to prepare her for the emotions she'll feel and I ache for her.  But, she, too, has been blessed with a loving and supportive family.  She will find a way to survive the day.  She will find her new reality.

When Sunday comes, I will think of my friend, Tonia, who will be spending another Mother's Day without her mom and without one of her three children.  I can't say I know what she feels on this day.  While losing a parent is devastating, losing a child must be paralyzing.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  She has already found a way to survive her reality on a daily basis.  I think if I ever had a hero, it would be her.

Mother's Day looks different now. 

I'm not the same person I was at this time 13 years ago because my life is not the same. 

With each Mother's Day, I am slowly learning to live with it. 

It is what it is.

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