My 'before' and 'after' came with the diagnosis of my mom, at age 61, with stage 4B pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to her liver. We were sitting in her hospital room in Springfield waiting to see the doctor. Upon initial examination in Jacksonville, for what we thought was a gall bladder attack, the doctors said they wanted her to go to Memorial for a 'second opinion'. Even as we were checking her in and the nurse led us under a sign that read ONCOLOGY, I prayed that this didn't mean anything. I was just fooling myself. Within the hour, we were told it was cancer. Within two hours, my mom was given 3-4 months to live.
My 'before' had just ended. That line was being drawn across my world. My 'after' had begun.
As I write this, I can see the hospital bed in my mind. Mom was sitting in the middle of it. She looked at my dad and I and didn't say a word at first. Her eyes welled up with tears. The doctor had made his way to the door to give us time alone. Once the door shut, mom looked at me. The first thing she said was, "I won't get to see Bentley get married". Of all the things she could have said, she had fast-forwarded to a day that wouldn't come for 20-plus years as Beni was only about 4 at that time. Now, if you knew my mom, you knew she loved her family. She was a devoted wife of nearly 40 years to my dad as well as a wonderful mother to my brother and me. But when it came to her four grandchildren, she was fiercely devoted. She loved the boys more than I can even express. All three of them were such a source of pride for her. When it came to Beni, she was the only granddaughter and they shared the special bond that grandma's and granddaughter's do. She obviously had thought she would have many happy years watching all four of our kids grow. Bentley's wedding was something I didn't even know she had dreamed about. I could feel the hurt in her words. Talking about not being here for her granddaughter's wedding was a way for her to verbalize the pain she felt about her mortality. I have no idea how I would have reacted if I had just been given a time-frame for the end of my life.
As the months wore on and we got into the routine of treatments and life with cancer, it seemed like the color had gone out of my world. Each day brought us closer to 'the end' and dread was everywhere. There were definitely good days and bad days. Things were so black and white. But, my mom was a fighter. The 3-4 month death sentence stretched into 17 months. That's almost unheard of for a pancreatic cancer patient. She spent as much time as she could with our kids. She and I were able to talk about life and love. Being able to tell her how mad I was and how cheated I felt, because I was losing her, was cathartic for us both. I took a leave from my job at the junior high for several weeks so I could move back into mom and dad's house to help with her hospice care. I feel blessed I was able to do that. Our kids were all in elementary school at the time and we received special permission for them to ride the bus to my parent's house each afternoon. They would spend some time with mom until Ed got home from work. Then he would come spend some time with all of us and then take the kids home for the night. We did this day in and day out until the end of her life. She got to talk to each of the kids a final time. I don't know how much of those conversations they remember. But I know, that at the time, they all wanted to go into her bedroom by themselves and talk to their Monger Lin (Monger is a name Braxton gave mom when he started to talk. He had several ear infections and couldn't hear clearly. "Grandma" to him sounded like "Monger"). She treated them as people not just children and she understood what she meant to them. She understood they needed some final, private moments with her. I love her so much for making sure that happened.
Mom passed away May 25, 2002 at the age of 63. It was a day before our son, Blaize would turn 10. Blaizer said Monger didn't want to die on his birthday so that's why she died on the 25th. All the kids made drawings and wrote letters to mom. She was cremated and we were able to place the kid's artwork and writings into a vault with the urn of ashes. Mom also requested a recent school picture of each of the kids be buried with her. Of course, we complied.
With her death, everything changed. We all struggled and tried to find our new places in a world without her. Within a year, my family lost contact with my dad. I don't share that with people. I don't feel it's their business. I don't want to hear people's opinion. If someone asks about him, I say I hear he's fine and move on. It has been nearly 11 years since we have seen him or spoken to him. Our kids have grown up without both grandparents on my side of the family. It was never what I had imagined for them since their early childhood had been filled with Papa Paul and Monger Lin's love. But, life happens. We all make choices and sometimes that means leaving people behind for one reason or another. On the positive side, mom's death has brought the six of us so much closer. I know my mom would be saddened to know what happened with my dad but she would also be so proud of how her four grandchildren have grown up. She would love the young adults they have become. Her early influence in their lives has definitely helped shape them.
It seems like yesterday that I held her hand for the last time. But it's been over 12 years. I miss her everyday and yet when I look at our kids, I see her in all of them. My 'after' is sometimes lonely and almost always filled with missing mom. I didn't want to be the matriarch of the family because that was her place. I've tried to live by her example. I love my husband and I love my children. I try to make sure they know how much they mean to me. I think I'm doing alright. I mess up a lot but I try to fix it the next time.
I would do anything to have my life like it was 'before' but I know that can't be. The days move on and my 'after' continues. I struggle to do my best. I see mom on that hospital bed with her life flashing before her eyes...seeing the future she wouldn't be a part of and I promise myself I will embrace each day and thank God for every moment I am blessed with. None of us knows how much time we have or when our life may change in an instant. All we have is today. All we have are those we love...those who are with us through this journey. Live in the moment, I tell myself. Blur the line between 'before' and 'after' and try living in the 'now'. I'm working on it.
It is what it is.
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Remembering how much your mom loved life and all that it holds, I continue to be saddened for your entire family's loss.
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