A picture can certainly take you back in time. Last night I started seeing posts on Facebook of our local junior high's 8th grade recognition. It was as if I was immediately in the gym again with each of our four kids. It's moments like those that make me realize how quickly time goes by. It also made me think about how formative those two years can be for our kids.
Our oldest son, Braxton, entered junior high when his three younger siblings were still in grade school. They thought he was really something being in a new building with two separate floors and so many kids. The chance to try out for extra-curricular activities was new, as well. Our family has always been involved in sports, student government, etc. From the age of 5, all four played soccer through the JSA (Jacksonville Soccer Association) and traveled with soccer, as well. But as far as organized IESA activities, Braxton was entering uncharted territory.
Through their years in 7th and 8th grade, our kids were involved with basketball, wrestling, track, volleyball and cheerleading. These years are both awkward and challenging. From the time they go into 7th grade to the day they leave as soon-to-be freshman, the change is remarkable. So many people want to rush kids to high school, but, I for one, loved the junior high time. Our kids grew so much and truly started to emerge as the young adults they would fine-tune in high school.
As I look back, I feel like my hardest day as a mom came when our second son, Blaize, was in 7th grade. He watched his older brother make the basketball team the year before him and he decided he wanted to try-out when he entered 7th grade, too. Now, if you know Blaize, you know he doesn't really like basketball! So, the fact he wanted to try out was kind of a surprise. Looking back, he says his friends were trying out and so he thought he needed to do this to fit in. Long story short, the day the kids found out if they made it or not, Blaize came out of the school carrying an envelope. As he got in the car, he told me that the envelope was 'too thin' and he knew he didn't make it. I asked what he meant and he said the boys who got 'thicker' envelopes opened them in the gym and the envelope had not only a congratulatory letter but also the team practice/game schedule (hence the thickness). Blaize said he hadn't opened his in the gym because he knew he hadn't made it and didn't want to be in front of everyone when he opened his envelope. The look on his face was one I had never seen before. This was his first real disappointment. He was crushed.
As I drove him home, he cried. When he got home, he cried. I cried with him. He wasn't upset because he wouldn't be able to play basketball. The ironic thing is that it was never really about the sport. It was about belonging. It was about being a 'cool' kid who might become popular because he was on a team that was deemed a necessity for proper junior high status.
I remember feeling the most helpless I have ever felt as a parent. I could do nothing to help him or to ease his pain. While Ed and I knew that Blaize would be fine, he didn't know that. All he knew is that something he had desperately wanted was beyond his reach.
We've always been able to talk with our kids. So, as we sat on the couch and cried together, I suggested that Blaize think about asking the coach if he could become the manager of the team. That way, he could be around his friends (and not have to actually play basketball...which was perfectly fine with him) and he would be a part of the team atmosphere. Of course, Blaize knew that being a manager didn't come with the same imagined glory that being a player did, but he thought about it and decided he would ask the coach.
He ended up becoming the manager for the 7th grade team that year and told us he had made an important decision for 8th grade. He wanted to try out for the team! He said he wanted to prove to himself that he could make it. Needless to say we were really anxious about it. I didn't want to see him go through any more heartache. But, it was his decision and we supported it. He made the team! He was thrilled. He didn't play in many games that season, but he could have cared less. He had accomplished a goal and that's all that mattered. Years later he told us that the junior high days seemed so important then in terms of shaping who he was or who he would become. He said none of it really mattered now but he was glad he had experienced it.
As a parent, we see our kids through the ups and downs. Blaize has become such a strong and confident young man. Was what he experienced in junior high a reason for that? Could be. Life is made up of a series of events. I feel like they make us who we are. Although I hated seeing him unhappy back then, it's a normal part of growing up. So many kids face much worse than not making a team at their junior high. While we may be breaking inside because of the pain our kids feel for one reason or another, I think it's tremendously important that we keep it in perspective for our kids. If we help them search for solutions instead of wallowing in their self-pity because of a junior high disappointment, it becomes a learning experience instead of a major life event. Junior high is not a major life event. It's called growing up.
Of course, I've told Blaize since how devastated I was for him. He kind of laughed. He has the fondest memories of junior high and even of basketball. He reminded me that he had never even liked basketball. Trying out again for 8th grade was just something he needed to do for himself.
So, that hardest moment I have had as a mom has become one of my proudest, too. Blaize grew in those few years. On his own. Isn't that what we want for our kids?
It is what it is.
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