Empty nest...

The house was full within a matter of minutes.  There were backpacks, bags and laundry baskets.  Suddenly, the house I had cleaned in preparation, showed the signs of our three children who had come from Champaign for the weekend.  An hour or so before, our oldest had come from St. Louis.  So all four are here.

When you become an empty nester you don't realize how drastically routines will change.  How quiet your once boisterous house will be.  How things will magically stay in the same place you left them.  How the laundry doesn't need to be done every single day.  How the grocery bill goes down.  How making meals for two, instead of six, will cause a lot of leftovers until you get the portions adjusted accordingly. 

But, mostly, how you will wonder how all those years flew by so fast.

I have been a stay at home mom and I have been a working mom.  While I enjoyed both, the constant in both scenarios was that all of our kids were home with us.  Schedules revolved around them and our days were incredibly busy.  Because we have multiple kids, when one went away to college, we still had three at home and so on.  Each was an adjustment but it was doable because we still had a semblance of our life as six remaining.

It's been nearly two years since our last child left for college.  Ed and I are almost acclimated to the change.   We have enjoyed getting to know each other again and have settled into our own routine.  But even though the kids don't live with us full time anymore, our life still centers around them.

We plan weekends to go visit them at school.  We plan ahead for Mom's weekend and Dad's weekend.  We look forward to Spring Break and other holidays.  I always find myself looking forward to those times when at least five of us can get together.  If Braxton can come from St. Louis, too, it makes it perfect.

Having the kids home this weekend takes me right back to the days they were growing up.  The glaring difference is that they are all adults now.  Being an empty nester means when the kids do come back, they aren't your little babies anymore. 

This has been the most challenging for me. 

Ed does a much better job with the fact the kids are adults and make many of their own choices, without us, now.  I am the Mom.  Maybe it's harder for me because I have trouble seeing them as adults and not as the people I carried under my heart, my babies. 

While we still discuss almost everything with our kids, I have come to realize I need to step back a bit.  I am free with my opinion and am not sure I will change that, but I am trying to respect their decisions if they go against my feelings.  We raised them to be responsible for their own choices and we need to trust in the type of people they are.  They need to learn some things on their own and have their own successes and failures. 

That's just life.  It's how adults interact.  It's a healthy part of any relationship. 

Being an empty nester will always make me a little melancholy because the kids will never be my babies again.  They will never rely completely on us.  On me.

But being an empty nester is also a wonderful title to have.  It means my relationships with my children are evolving and we each have to find the balance of love and respect as adults.

While I would make them all small again in a second, I embrace this empty nest.  I will continue to enjoy the chaos that comes when they are home.  It's familiar.  It brings back memories of the best of times.

I know there are many more to come because my babies are all extraordinary people.  I just need to go along for the ride and see where it takes me, where it takes our family of six adults.

It is what it is.

p

Believing...

I've heard there are two things you should never talk about with people.  Politics and Religion. 

I'd have to say they are subjects I tend to avoid, if at all possible.  As for politics, I just find the whole subject extremely frustrating and I don't like the debate that comes when I express my opinion.  I have realized I don't feel passionate enough about politics to get into a heated conversation or to try and prove my point to someone I'm speaking with.  There are others much more well-versed than I who can take up that battle. 

Religion, for me, is a much more personal and private subject.  While I still don't openly discuss my beliefs to many, I have always felt a strong sense of spirituality.  I was raised a devout catholic and was taught the rituals of the church.  So, it's not unusual that I still find comfort in praying.  That I find a solace in conversations with God.  Or, that I feel peace when I pray. 

However, today I am not what I would call a devout catholic.  Although I am still a member, I don't regularly attend my church.  In fact, the last time I was there was for a funeral of a dear friend.  As the years have gone by, I have struggled with my place there.  I don't necessarily believe that I need to attend to be a good, godly, person.  I know the church, and many of my same religion, would disagree with my assessment.  So, I stay away and keep God in my heart.

Whatever we practice or don't practice, in terms of a religious belief, we still feel compassion, sympathy and, sometimes, empathy for those in our lives.

This morning, I said a silent pray for a friend of mine who mentioned on his twitter feed that he was going to the doctor today for a neck biopsy.  He has battled cancer in the past and has won.  To see he could be facing another trying time made me close my eyes and pray.  I noticed the hashtag on his twitter post was #heisincontrol.  My friend put his faith in God before and I know he will do so now.  I am always amazed at the power of prayer and the power of one's faith, the total surrender to spirituality.

The beauty of religion and a belief in a higher being is that we have something, bigger than ourselves, all around us.  I don't talk about my spirituality because, as I mentioned earlier, it's very personal to me.  It can make people uncomfortable and I would never want that.  I also just want to believe the way I want to believe.  Perhaps that's the reason I don't regularly attend a structured church setting.  While this works well for so many, it isn't what I need.  I would prefer not to be criticized for how I chose to believe.  I don't feel there is a right or wrong way, just a way. 

But, for my friend, I felt compelled to publicly say that I am in awe of his belief system and how it helped him and his family survive a difficult time.  His belief that #heisincontrol will give him everything he needs, when or if he finds out he is facing another battle.  It will help him continue to live his life.

We are all in this life together.  How we choose to navigate it is up to us.  Whether it is with a God or not.  I do believe there is good and evil.  I do believe there are daily struggles of many different varieties and severities. 

However you choose to combat them, is your journey.

As for me, I will continue to close my eyes and silently pray.  I may go into my church and light a candle when no one else is around.  I will pray for my loved ones and for my friends. 

That is how I find my hope.  My peace.  Isn't that what we should wish for everyone?

It is what it is.

p

Won't you be my neighbor?

When you buy your house and settle into a neighborhood, it's probably not because you know any of the people who already live there.  Instead, it could be because the house is located by the school you want your children to attend, it could be because it's close to relatives or to where you work, it could be close to where you grew up or it could be just because you fell in love with the house.  Chances are you did look at the neighborhood in terms of appearance.  We all want to live in a comfortable and aesthetically pleasing environment.   Once you move in, the surprising thing may be that you have moved into a place where you have a chance to meet neighbors who will make your house feel like a home. 

Before my family moved to Jacksonville in the middle 70's, we lived in a subdivision in Fenton, Missouri.  At that time, Fenton was no where near the size it is now.  We were the first subdivision that was built and it felt like the wilderness with all the trees and open, undeveloped, areas around us.  Our neighborhood was very close.  We were the pioneers of the area and bonded immediately.  So many of the families had kids our ages.  My parents were friends with my friends parents and we all spent a lot of time together.  We played baseball in the backyard of one of the houses down the street.  We rode our bikes in a small gang.  Outside until dark every day that we could.  What an idyllic childhood scene. 

I remember my parents walking from our house to other neighbor's houses (and vice versa) and grilling out dinner, swimming and spending time together.  They became really close with a family right across the street.  I became best friends with their daughter who was the same age as me.  The family was Italian and their house always smelled like spaghetti sauce.  In fact, that family is who gave my mom the recipe for sauce that our kids and I made this past Christmas.  Their family recipe became our family recipe.  It was that kind of relationship.  It was a magical time and our neighborhood allowed us many opportunities to meet people we wouldn't have had in our lives if not for that street.

Moving to Jacksonville opened up my world.  Instead of just riding my bike in the immediate neighborhood where our house was, we were encouraged to ride our bikes all over town.  Jacksonville is much smaller than Fenton and this lifestyle led to interacting with people outside my immediate neighborhood.  Instead of needing my mom to drive me where I had to go, I could ride my bike most places.  We lived by Duncan Park but some of my close friends lived in South Jacksonville, so I would ride my bike over there nearly every day in the summers.  I spent a lot of time at Nichols Park at the pool.  Lots of kids hung out there in those days. 

As an adult in Jacksonville, Ed and I have lived in a few different neighborhoods.  We actually bought our first house in Murrayville on Cottage Lane, a cute dead end street as you first come into town.  I met a woman, who became one of my best friends, because of that neighborhood.  While she was closer to my mom's age and she had sons' who Ed and I went to school with, Jan kind of 'adopted' our family and our kids from day one.  She was at our house when we brought Bentley home from the hospital after she was born.  She was at every family event.  She was a part of our family and we loved her.  She passed away a few months ago, but the memories we shared will always stay with us. 

Fast forward several years to where we have been for over a decade.  We live on a fairly busy street in South Jacksonville.  It's not a typical neighborhood and a bit more difficult to get to know who lives near.  Now, we knew one family when we moved in because we'd known them for years.  They live two doors down, on the same side of the street, and have a daughter who went to school with our oldest son.  Kind of like us, won't bother you but if you need anything we can count on each other.  I wouldn't hesitate to walk down and ask Maureen for help.  They are busy, cars in and out all the time, but I know they would never be too busy for us. 

We also know a couple of other families, who live across the street, from either their kids or from mutual friends.  Again, I know if we needed anything that they would be there for us.  I enjoy the times we catch each other in the yard or as we walk to the mailbox.  We get a few moments to catch up and I always walk back in the house feeling grateful we have such nice people living close by.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was finding that we had a true, old-fashioned, neighbor living near.  His house sits catty-corner from ours on the other side of the street.  If you've ever driven down South Diamond during the Christmas season, you've seen his house!  He is the one who decorates with lots of lights, yard decorations and love.  We watch the process begin well before Thanksgiving because it takes so many hours to get it just right.  In the beginning, we would just wave and yell a comment or two, across the street, when we would see him and his wife, Dawn, outside.  As time went on, Walter would occasionally come across and ask Ed what he was working on or just to talk.  This past Christmas, Ed put up a few more lights and Walter was thrilled to see lights on our side!  He even loaned us some stakes to hold the lights we had in the landscaping up a bit to keep them out of the snow.  We've woken up, after a large snowfall, to see that Walter has used his snow blower to clear our driveway.  He's saved the day when Braxton had a leak in a brake line, on a weekend, and we couldn't take it anywhere to have it repaired.  Walter showed Ed and Brax how to fix the line and Brax was able to head back to St. Louis at the end of the weekend, like usual.  When Braxton wanted to buy an artificial Christmas tree (that Walter and Dawn were selling) for his 4th grade classroom, they just donated it instead.  The list goes on.  Braxton has even commented how unusual it is to find someone who goes out of his way to help those who live around him. 

We wave at our neighbors.  We are grateful for the ones we know we can rely on in these busy times we live in.  But to find someone who truly enjoys being neighborly to all those around him, well, that's something special.  Now, I'm not going to go as far as calling Walter "Mr. Rogers" because he isn't quite the red cardigan sweater type, but he is the most welcoming person you'll find in this neighborhood.  We could all learn a lot from him. 

It is what it is.

p

Kindness, it's a choice...

Life happens.  No one experiences only happiness and laughter.  Life is filled with heartaches and tears, too.   There are those moments we know could never have been better as well as those moments we wish had never happened.  These highs and lows are a part of life.  It is how we react to those circumstances that defines us.  How will it affect us as a person?

Happiness and laughter are easy.  Who doesn't enjoy the good times with family and friends?  When things go according to plan.  Everyone is healthy.  Everyone is flourishing.  Relishing in these moments is a true blessing.  As some would say, "Life is good."

Heartaches and tears are much more difficult.  They can be ours, or those of someone we love.  Whatever the case, it's difficult to remain positive and hopeful in times like these.  Pain and hurt can cut so deeply that we, in turn, can react negatively to whatever is happening.  We're blinded by the heartache. 

In these moments, when life happens, we have the power to see the positive in every situation.  Now, I'm not saying this will happen immediately.  Sometimes, at least for me, it has been a process that can take several years to accomplish. In all honesty, there are some circumstances I have faced that I am still working on.  Seeing the positives takes longer, I think, when the heartache and tears are strongest.  There are different degrees of pain. 

As we continue on the journey, we change with each circumstance, of course.  I see that in myself.  Being able to verbalize your feelings, whether it's for validation or sanity, is so important.  Don't keep feelings bottled up.  Share them.  Embrace them.  Learn from them.  However long the process.

For myself, I have come to appreciate the meaning of kindness in both the times filled with happiness and laughter as well as the times filled with heartache and tears. 

Some people just ooze kindness.  It's truly a part of their personality.  Others have it, somewhere deep inside, and just need a nudge to let it spill out. 

I don't consider myself an exceptionally kind person.  I would say I am more a thoughtful one.  Being kind is something I have to work on.  I can say that kindness others have shown me, in extremely difficult times in my life, has been priceless.  I realized the impact their actions have had on me and that has made me want to make a change in my own life.

Kindness doesn't have to be a grand gesture or public display.  For me, some of the kindest things I've experienced where a person's presence, and support, in a situation where I didn't expect to see them, a phone call or text with encouraging words or an unexpected card or note.  Perhaps the best is when I hear how someone spoke of me when I wasn't around.  What they said when they had no idea I would ever know how they described me.  What a wonderful, thoughtful surprise. 

Life happens to us no matter what we do.  It can harden us or we can choose to take life, in all its forms, and let it soften our edges...a little at a time...as we can bear it.

Those that already know how to show kindness are the ones we should be emulating.  Pay close attention to those who seem to live kindness.  We may not ever be able to be kind to that extreme, but we can be kind within our comfort zone. 

In being kind, we heal. 

One day at a time, one act of kindness at a time, we take what life sends us...and we live.

Parents of athletes...

Being an athlete and being the parent of an athlete are two distinctly different roles.  Having been in both, I can say that being an athlete is much easier than parenting one.  When your child enters the wide world of sports you open yourself, and them, up to a world that few navigate unscathed. 

Parents often view their child's success in sports as their success.  As if their child's talent is somehow a reflection of their parenting or of themselves.  So untrue.  Kids perform according to their own talents and maturity levels at the time.  Too many parents can't separate from their kids in a sport setting.  We've all seen the parents who 'live through their child.'  The parent who, perhaps, didn't achieve athletic success of their own and sees their child as a second chance for notoriety.  This parent not only looks foolish to all those around them, but they put undue stress on their child with the unrealistic expectations to be the best.  What about doing your best?  Individually?   As a part of their team?  Whatever level your child rises to is the level where they should be.  Not the level you want them to be, not the level you enjoyed during your glory days.  Accepting your child, at the level that they perform, is not easy for many parents who long for the star athlete. 

Then there's the parent who harbors jealousies toward other children who play either with or against their own child.  They not only share their skewed rankings with their own child but with anyone who will listen.  This shows their children that no one should be better than them and that these others kids are somehow bad because they are talented.  How realistic is this for life?  Will our kids never encounter anyone who challenges them?  Will there never be a fellow classmate who scores higher on a test or has a higher grade point average?  When we teach our kids that our peers' successes makes them bad people, we are showing our own inadequacies.  Perhaps we are mirroring what we may have felt growing up instead of showing our kids the many positives that comes from healthy competition.  This is a huge life lesson that so many parents miss teaching.  Kids are easily blinded by peer jealousy.  Parents have the benefit of having been through it before and should never allow jealousies to be more than a fleeting thought.  Redirect those feelings to how your child can, personally, become the best they can be.  Comparing yourself to others is a dead end road.

Parents who blame their perceived child's shortcoming, and elusive fame, on the coaches are sometimes the most vocal.  They can be seen in the stands and on the sidelines yelling at the coach, directly, telling them what they should have done, what play they should have called, which players should be in which positions.  Often these parents rile up others, who have the same disposition, and nothing good can come of that.  Now, I'm not saying I never disagreed with any of our kid's coaches.  Because I did.  But my place as a parent was to support my child.  Ed and I would discuss our feelings in private.  I only said something in front of one of our sons once, at home, after a game.  That was all it took.  He politely told me he didn't want to discuss his coach with me and that I should just enjoy the game.  My son was smarter than I was that day.  As a coach myself, I should have known how negative such discussions can become.  I was incredibly proud of my son and I never forgot that.  Negativity can be a downward spiral we have trouble breaking away from.  Before you know it, it stops being about your child's sports and more of a personal bashing toward a person you, unfairly, feel is holding your child back from stardom.  Do you really want others, especially your child, to see you in this light?

Parents have an incredible opportunity to parent through sports.  There are successes and there are disappointments.  Things are fair and things are unfair.  I'm not saying we ignore everything but the good that happens, not at all.  Rather, use any negativity for a teachable moment.  It's never wrong to acknowledge what your kids feel, as long as you reinforce those feelings with life lessons about being a good teammate who is respectful and so on.  The list of character building traits from athletics is endless.  We, as parents, just need to remember that and use those moments wisely.  Ultimately, we are shaping our kids, not athletics, for a successful future.  Athletics is a mere part of growing up.  Our attitudes towards sports will stay with our kids long after that last whistle of their career blows. 

It is what it is.

p

Stay at home mom...

The best job I have ever had is being a mom.  I say 'is' because it's a job I will have until the day I die.  It's not a job you take vacation from or one you retire from.  It's there...always.  It becomes you and who you are.  Anyone who is a mom, knows what I mean.  You can't really describe it until you experience it.

When I found out we were expecting our first child, I had no idea what becoming a mom would do to our life as a couple or to me as a person.  It is the absolute most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. 

After Braxton was born, my Grandma Belobrajdic became very ill.  She fought Leukemia for several months.  When Brax was 8 months old, she passed away.  As I talked to her those last days, she said something that I never forgot because it validated what I was feeling, but hearing her say the words made everything real and true.  She told me how beautiful Braxton was and that, "I was a wonderful mother to him and would be to our other children, as well."  She said, "You are meant to be a mom." 

Ed and I made the decision early on that I would be a stay at home mom, at least when our kids were small.  We had hoped to have our kids close in age, because this was what we preferred, and we know we were extremely lucky to have all four within a span of five years. 

Those days were the best I have experienced.  Some of it is a blur because of the constant mound of diapers, baby food and everything else that goes with toddlers and babies in a house.  But, the times I remember are the times I got to spend with each of them.  The stolen moments when I was able to spend as much time as I wanted rocking with them or talking with them.  Reading books together, playing outside or doing nothing but being together.  Seeing their 'firsts' and being there for both the tears and the laughter. 

We sacrificed, financially, I'm sure over those years with me not contributing to the household from an outside job.  But we never once saw that as a deficit.  Rather, it was a mute point.  We had made that decision long ago and never discussed it again.  We felt blessed that we had the option of me staying at home with our children. 

Ed traveled a lot in those days for work.  Most of the time in those early years, he would leave on a Monday morning and not get home until Friday night.  So, I was essentially a single mom of four during the weeks.  Maybe that's another reason the kids and I are so close, because I was alone with them the majority of the time.  It's just what we did.  We all looked forward to Ed coming home Friday nights and to the weekends the six of us would spend together.  The kids idolized their dad.  He was kind of a rock star because time with him was golden.   Looking back, I know Ed felt out of the loop because he missed the weekdays and the 'everyday routines' because he was working.  On the other hand, I sometimes felt like I got overlooked because I was 'there all the time.'  Interesting that we each felt cheated, in a way, because of the set up of our family. 

But, today, to hear the kids reminisce, they never once verbalize feeling that way about either of us.  They always talk about Ed and I as 'always having been there for them' so it's clear that what Ed and I may have felt were our own feelings of inadequacy and the kids never saw it.  It's a wonderful thing to know.

I am so proud of the way it worked for us.  We were able to have me stay at home while the kids were little.  I loved that time.  The quote I added to this blog sums up what I felt at the time.  It's not a negative quote, at all.  It merely talks about the loneliness we can sometimes feel when we are alone with the kids yet not alone at all because they are with us 24 hours a day. 

Watching the kids as they have all grown and moved away to go to college has been bittersweet.  I want nothing but the best for them and am pleased to see them so happy.  I have taken each stage of their growth in stride and have tried to keep it in perspective when I feel sad.  I would do anything to have them all small again.  In a heartbeat.  But, that's not what mom's should do.  We raise them and then hope we have given them the guidance they need to make it on their own. 

When I know the kids are coming home, I spend time thinking of menus which include each of their favorite foods and I can't wait for the family game nights and the time we will spend together.  I am shamelessly proud of their accomplishments and tend to share incessantly on Facebook about them.  Blaize said he warns his friends that 'if you become friends with my mom on Facebook, you will see a lot of posts about the four of us!'  It's true.  The kids put up with me.  But, in my defense, several of their friends comment that they like seeing what I post about the kids.  So there, Blaize.  So there. 

Once a mom, always a mom.  Whether you want to stay home, and are fortunate enough to be able to do so, or whether you prefer to work outside the home, it doesn't matter.  What matters is what your children remember about growing up with you as their parent.  Any insecurities or doubts we have, we bring on ourselves.  Our kids never feel those.  They only feel what you made them feel.  They only feel your love and what your home gave them as a child. 

My kids are practically grown.  I deal with the love/hate of that every day.  I will always be here when they come home and I will continue to talk about them to any one who will listen.  That's not going to change.  Whether they are with me or not, they are so deeply embedded in my heart that it's as if all four never leave me. 

Because I am a mom. 

It is what it is.

p

I love you...

I would argue that the three most difficult words in the English language to utter are: I love you. 

I would also argue that merely saying these three words is not nearly important as showing them. 

Since I grew up in a household where we both said and showed the words, I had never really thought about the fact that many didn't...or couldn't...for one reason or another.  What comes easily to some does not for others. 

I guess you could say I'm an advocate for these words, in whatever shape or form. 

When I was dating Ed, it came up that he hadn't told his mom he loved her.  At this time, we were both about 17, I think.  Ed was raised by a single mom and a large extended family.  I remember him saying that his mom 'just knew' that he loved her.  I suppose that is true.  He seemed to know that she loved him even though she hadn't verbalized it, either.  Regardless, I told him I thought it was important that he tell his mom, at least once.  We had been out driving around and he turned the car around right then and we went back to his house to talk to his mom.  Obviously, since then, they have said I love you many times.  His mom has an easier time telling our kids she loves them.  It makes me very happy.  I have no doubt she loves those four more than anything.  And Ed has always been her life.  But for them to all be able to verbalize it, it takes the relationship to another level. 

Because of my upbringing, I have always told Ed and our kids how much I love them.  We make a point of hugging when we see each other and hugging when we leave each other.  We always add I love you.  When the kids were little, we made a big deal out of the ritual of tucking the kids in at night.  Although we can't remember exactly how it started, Braxton must have seen a movie or something about bears.  When Ed was tucking him in, Brax said something about being scared of bears.  To reassure him there were no bears in the backyard, as he told Brax, "I love you", that night, he added, "No bears and no snakes".  The 'no snakes' part came because Ed added the one thing that scares him.  It was very sweet!  Each night, Ed would tell him, "I love you, no bears and no snakes" and they would slap one of the others hands, in the air, and he would give him a kiss.  Braxton would mimic what his dad said to him.  Cute, right?  I think he did the same with the other two boys because, by then, it was tradition.  But when Bentley came along, he changed it to, "I love you, you're my sweetheart" for her.  Now, the three boys don't tell Ed the 'No bears and no snakes" part anymore, but Beni still says the same thing.  She's 19 and still tells Ed he's her sweetheart.  I doubt that will ever change.

As the kids grew older, we began another tradition at the end of a day.  When I was little, my mom would tell me "Loku noch" at night.  The Belobrajdic side of my family is Croation/Yugoslavian.  Loosely translated, 'loku noch' means:  'Goodnight, sweet dreams'.  My grandparents used to say that to us and then my mom started saying it at bedtime.  In turn, I began saying it to the kids.  Even now, that none of them live with us fulltime, when we text at night, I will say, "I love you.  Loku noch". Those two words also happen to be engraved on my mom's headstone. 

Our family definitely has the verbal aspect of 'I love you' down.  We say it regularly.  But, I think we also show each other how much we care, as well.  It's the little things that actually mean the most.  I know it may sound silly, but when the kids are home, if one of them empties the dishwasher without me asking or folds clothes that I left in the dryer...it touches my heart.  They've done something to help me out, so I didn't have to do it.  That's love.  Or this past Christmas when all four pooled their money to buy Ed and I gifts.  We have never expected them to do this.  Nor have we wanted them to.  They are too young to worry about that and we'd rather they save their money.  Yet, they got together and picked gifts that they knew Ed would love and that would mean the world to me, as well.  Doing the unexpected because you want to and not because you have to...that's love. 

Respecting and cherishing the people you say the three words to is the best way to show them, as well. 

Even if saying those words is too difficult or you're one who believes you don't have to because they already know, you've probably been showing those words and maybe didn't even realize it.  I think when you truly love someone, it comes through.  You can't help it.  You want to show how you feel, in whatever way works for you.  Love always finds a way of expressing itself.

It is what it is.

p

My inner circle...

As we go through life, we meet a lot of people.  Some are in our lives for a short while. Some stay and never leave.  So, I can say I know many.  But, there are few I actually let know me. 

Over the years, when things happen, we naturally react in ways that will protect us.  It's a human response to shy away from negative situations and from those who hurt us or hurt those we love.  I have always been a very outgoing person and truly love being around people.  Yet the older I get, the smaller my inner circle has become. 

We did spend some wonderful time with the parents of our kids friends. Through sports, we met so many caring people.  While I enjoy seeing them still, the times are much fewer and farther between because the kids have all grown.  Our kids are all in college (or graduated) and there aren't any more sporting events to tie us together.  I miss that.  Some of the best times Ed and I have spent, with other adults, have been through our kids sports.  We all loved our kids and truly enjoyed being together.  Tremendous parent group.  Memorable times. 

Work brought many people into my life, as well.  For over a decade, I coached at the junior high and high school levels.  I can't count the number of people I met in those days.  So many parents, of my players, I considered friends.  I say 'considered' because that was the first time in my life I was truly blindsided by people who were anything but my friends.  Now don't get me wrong, I still have many I enjoy running into from those days, but as I look back, that was the time I began to retreat into my inner circle and there weren't many I brought with me.  Fear of being betrayed can be debilitating.  It's easier to keep people away than risking that happening again.  I felt stupid.  I'm not a stupid person.  But I had misjudged so many that I began to doubt my abilities to tell the difference between someone who just wanted something from me and someone who actually wanted to be friends with me.  It's a fine, fine line and I obviously was not very good at reading the signs.  That time became about protecting my family as well as myself. 

It was as if I left an entire life behind as I moved on from coaching.  That's a good thing.  Life is about learning and evolving.  I found a job I truly loved and met even more people because of that affiliation.  I had a wide network of people I knew.  But, still a small number in my inner circle.  There are many good people in the world, but they don't necessarily become a part of our inner circle. There is really no rhyme or reason for that. These are the ones who simply bless your life, in those moments you are together, and then they move on.  I still remember them, fondly. 

I left my last job nearly a year ago.  By leaving, I lost several of my contacts.  I didn't go out for lunches anymore and the social aspect of my life changed dramatically.  When you stay at home and don't work, your daytime hours are spent in different ways.  Most people work.  So those I used to see are no longer a part of my daily routine. 

I can't say I'm lonely because I'm not.  I enjoy being at home and spending time by myself.  There's a lot to keep me busy.  But being at home, it's become really obvious who has missed me from the days when I worked and was out in the community and who has not.  People are busy and have their own lives, but friends should miss each other and want to stay in touch.  Out of sight, out of mind.  It's true.  No hard feelings here, just interesting that removing yourself from a work situation also removes you from a group of people you used to be close with.  It's bittersweet, but it's life.

I realized I don't need a large group of people around me everyday.  I only need a few who really want to be in my life.  People who I make an effort for and who make an effort for me.  The past few years, our family has suffered major losses.  Life is too short to pretend for anyone.  Do what you feel in your heart and spend time with those you love.  Plain and simple.

I guess I may have once measured whether I had a good life by the number of friends I had.  I don't need to do that anymore.  I think I've become better at gauging the true friends against those who are not. 

I'm blessed with the inner circle I have.  They are the ones I call or text about the silly things or the really big, life-altering events.  It's not about the number of friends, it's about the depth of the friendship of those few I have.

It is what it is.

p

 

4 Parts to our Family Code...

We don't get to choose what family we are born into.  It happens as it is supposed to happen.  If we are fortunate, our family becomes the foundation for our lives.  Our family gives us the building blocks we need in order to grow and, one day, start our own family.  The generations continue.

When Ed and I met, we were in junior high.  We started dating as we went into high school and except for a year or so apart, we dated each other.  Definitely what you would call high school sweethearts.  We got married four years after graduation and began our life as a married couple.

We weren't planning on having children right away.  We had always talked about having several, if we could, but we were going to wait awhile.  But our son Braxton had other plans.  He was born exactly four days before our second wedding anniversary.  And so began the real adventure!

Seventeen months later, our second son, Blaize was born.  Followed by our third son, Brody, seventeen months after him.  Rounding out our four kids was our daughter, Bentley, who was born about nineteen months after the Brody.  If you're keeping track, that was four kids within five years.  It was a busy time in our house!

As each child was born, the dynamic changed.  There was always something going on but it was just what we did so it seemed normal.  Being a parent became different with each new birth.  Adding another child to the mix changes everything.  It was a magical time that I cherish.

As the kids started to grow and became school aged, we realized how many outside influences would affect them.  We no longer had total control over what our kids saw and how they reacted.  They were gone from us for more hours of the day than they were with us.  That's a scary thought. 

It was about that time that we started to stress some 'givens' that I think we could actually call a Family Code.  The non-negotiable aspects of being a part of our family.  I don't call them rules because I see those as different.  Rules are what you can and can't do.  A Family Code is what you expect from one another.   

Ours are fairly simple:

1.  Things will not always be fair, but they will be equal.   Having more than one child means more than one 'normal'.  Similar situations may not have a similar result.  Ed and I tried to take each child as an individual and not as a group.  Who has known these kids from birth?  We have.  That means the way we react will be a sum total of that particular child.  We gauged past actions/reactions and utilized those to make decisions.  As a result, all four were dealt with (and still are) according to who they are and not some blanket reaction for all.  We feel this allows for all four kids to see that we value them as people and not as 'the kids', clumped together.  Yes, they found this unfair at times growing up.  But, today, I think they would tell you that we celebrated their individual qualities instead of treating them all the same and that allowed them to develop as they should, uniquely. 

2.  No subject is off limits.  We discuss everything.  Now, I'm not saying we talk about everything all the time or every time we get together.  What I mean by this is that, if and when necessary, we will talk about any subject.  We have had several talks as the kids were growing up, and still to this day, that involved either one or all of the kids.  We have even had some sit-downs where three kids would talk to one.  We've had some where the kids have talked with us.  Some are heated.  Some are not.  It doesn't always have to be a big deal.  But we all know that there are no secrets between us.  Since the kids have become college aged, they share so much with just each other.  That's great!  Ed and I don't need to know everything the older they get.  The kids share with each other and that's the ultimate goal here.  A family can talk to each other.  It can be all of us or some of us, as long as the communication is happening.  One day, Ed and I won't be here anymore and we would love to think the kids are still able to talk about their lives with each other.  Every part of it. 

3.  One for all and all for one.  While we may have disagreements in our lives, and that goes for us being disappointed in the kids or the kids being disappointed in us, we will always be there for one another.  No exceptions.  It's natural to sometimes get angry or feel disappointment in someone you love.  It never means you don't love them or love them less.  It's the actions or reactions that are brought into play.  Discuss it, resolve it or agree to disagree.  But face it.  And let each other know that we are bound as a family and will always be there for each other. The good times are easy to enjoy and to rally around, it's the trying times that are the true test.  Whatever else happens in your life, you have a safe place to come and people who love you unconditionally. 

4.  Represent yourself well, to us and to others.  Respect is such an important trait to have.  If you have respect for yourself, in all you do, it automatically spills over to the way you treat your family and others.  Don't settle for less than the most you can give or the most you can do.  The way you represent yourself is the way others see you.  It should be as individualized as you are.  What's most important to you, should be what you let others see.  You are more than our family name.  You are you.  Be that.  Own that.  Represent it well. 

Go away...

I enjoy quotes and sayings.  I have several plaques and signs hanging in my house that reflect words that mean something to me or to my family.  For whatever reason, I find comfort in these.  Most are straightforward and self-explanatory.  You just have to read them to get the meaning. 

There's one sign that hangs in our kitchen that is a bit different.  At first glance, you see the words, "Go Away!" and might take that literally.  Well, I supposed when I bought it, it was for the literal meaning.  Now, it has come to mean so much more.

Our youngest son Brody has always had his friends coming in and out of the house.  We love it!  When he was in high school, his best friends would be here a lot, although he spent even more time at their houses.  Sometimes, an entire weekend would go by and we wouldn't see him if he was at Leo's or Logan's.  But, we knew he'd be home Sunday night in plenty of time to go to school the next morning.  It's incredible to see friends be so close.  We considered these boys our family.  So, when they would come to our house, they just walked in the door.  No need to knock!  Just come on in!

When Leo would come, it was always a big production.  He'd open the door and yell, "Hello, Paula? King Edward? Where's Brody?"  If you knew Leo, you knew he was loud.  Really loud.   Maybe it was the Italian in him, I don't know, but that boy wouldn't be able to sneak in anywhere!  I would always yell back, "Go away!" And I'd ask, "Why are you here?"  He would laugh and go look for Brody.  As time went by, he would come in and say the usual and then add, "I know, Go away!" because he knew I was going to say it.  It was kind of our thing.

Bentley and I were shopping one day (I can't even remember where) and I saw this sign with my 'two Leo words'.   I immediately picked it up because I knew I had to have it!  When we got home, I hung the sign on one of our kitchen walls.  The next time Leo came over, I showed it to him.  He was honored I had bought something specifically because of him.  Leo liked things being about him!  He would laugh about it.  Whenever I looked at that sign, I thought of him and smiled.  Thinking of Leo has a way of making you do that.

On July 18, 2013, Leo and his girlfriend Morgan were killed in a motorcycle accident.  He would never come bursting through our door again yelling our names and looking for Brody.  I would never get a chance to say, "Go away!" to him. 

And yet, I do.

That silly little sign has become so important to me.  I've told his mom, Tonia, about it and she knows the story.  I've told his sister, Filie, too.  I'm not ashamed to say I still talk to that picture each night before I go to bed.  I still tell Leo to, "Go away!" along with telling him goodnight and that I love him. 

Struggling and dealing with the death of someone you love takes all forms.  There's no correct way to grieve.  The road is long and endless.  I went to see Cheryl and Lacey at Inner Harmony here in town.  They are Mediums.  I wasn't sure whether or not I believed in mediums, but I needed something to make sense and was hoping they could supply the answers.  Or, at least supply the method of finding the answers.  So many things they told me they could not have known.  I left a believer and I left with a more open mind and how to watch for 'signs' from the other side. 

Whether you believe or not, I know what I've experienced since I have started to pay attention.  At first, I didn't realize this could be a 'sign'.  But as it continued to happened, it dawned on me that it had to be!  I'm talking about Leo.  I'm talking about that "Go away!" sign that hangs on my kitchen wall because of him.  Yep.  That silly sign has become a 'sign'.  I am convinced. 

It started slowly.  Some mornings I would wake up and come downstairs to the kitchen and happen to notice that Leo's sign was hanging a bit crooked.  I would walk over and straighten it.  Didn't think anything of it at first.  Just so you know, there are also three other pictures hanging on that same wall.  They would never be crooked...just Leo's sign. 

Ok, so I'm a slow learner.  It took several times of this happening before I realized, with a jolt, that this had to be Leo.  As I started to pay attention, it seemed like the sign would only hang crooked at certain times.  Mostly, it would be when our kids were home from college. 

I became totally convinced during this past Christmas break when the kids got home.  You see, it was the day of Brody's birthday and he was turning 21.  Leo had always told Brody they would have a big party at his house for their 21st birthdays and everyone knew it would be a great time.  Some of Brody's friends came over and stayed here for awhile.  Ed and our other two boys planned to go out with all of them later.  Bentley and I were going to stay home.  After everyone had left to go out and celebrate, I walked in the kitchen...and Leo's sign was crooked.  It hadn't been before.  I smiled.  Because I knew Leo was telling me that he was celebrating with Brody and he hadn't forgotten it was his big day.  I straightened the picture. 

The next morning, I came downstairs and the picture was crooked again.  No doubt about it.  Leo had been there.  Through most of break, the sign would be crooked nearly each morning.  Leo would have been in and out of the house if he was still here on earth.  I know he was telling me he was still with us in spirit. 

Since the kids have left, the picture has only moved a couple of times.  I feel Leo with me every day but I think his presence in our house is strongest when Brody is home.  I told Tonia, Filie and Brody about this when we were eating at the pizza place before the kids went back to Champaign.  Brody never says much.  He probably thinks I'm crazy but he let's me talk.  Tonia and Filie were happy to hear Leo is still around us like before. 

We lose loved ones and have so many reminders of them around us.  Since I opened my eyes to the possibilities of 'signs' from the other side, I have gotten several.  I find it so comforting and calming.  For that reason, Leo's sign will always hang on our kitchen wall.  I will still look each morning to see if it's crooked.  I will still tell Leo to "Go away!" each night before I go to bed.  And that I love him.

Ironic, isn't it, that a sign I bought to tell Leo to "Go away!" is the very thing that keeps me tied to him. 

It is what it is.

p

I only watch for the commercials...

Yes, I was one of the millions watching the Super Bowl last night.  But I wasn't watching because I wanted to watch the game.  I'm not really a pro football fan.  I don't have a team I follow all through the season and I don't own one article of spirit wear from an NFL team.  I do appreciate a well-made commercial, however, and the Super Bowl is the place to find those. 

Having watched several years of Super Bowl's, I know there will be Budweiser commercials that will pull at my heart strings (the puppy was adorable!), Doritos commercials that will make me laugh, and the usual soft drink feel-good ads.  I am used to seeing automobile commercials, too.

But this year I was surprised by the Dodge ad.  It was memorable in an unusual way.  It features real people who have reached their 100th birthday.  As these centenarians talk about life and how to live it, music starts to rev as the car theme begins to tie in to Dodge's own 100th anniversary.  I have found myself watching it over and over to see what pieces of advice they each had.  Brilliant concept, Dodge.  Brilliant. 

There were a few commercials which could be called disturbing by some.  The Nationwide Insurance commercial centered on preventable childhood accidents was not at all what I expected.  The scenes led me to believe that this was going to be another sweet commercial that might make me cry.  Instead, by the end, I felt confused by what I was seeing and somewhat upset.  Perhaps this is what Nationwide wanted.  Getting people to think is important and from tweets I saw after this aired, maybe they were successful in getting the dialogue started.  This is an uncomfortable subject.  My only thought was that maybe the Super Bowl wasn't the correct venue for this.  However, where can you find a larger audience?  Whatever your feelings about this, you have to give Nationwide kudos for having the foresight to change the usual commercials we see into a true message. 

Another commercial, which might have disturbed a few, was the 911 call that goes to a pizza place.  As the woman places an order, the 911 dispatcher realizes she is truly making a call for help.  We gather from the scenes we see that this is a domestic abuse situation.  Again, powerful stuff.  But, is the Super Bowl the place for this?  When so many families might be watching?  YES!  It isn't the typical commercial we expect.  But this ad reached so many from all age groups.  Like the Nationwide ad, it had the potential to start a conversation among those who were watching.  I predict if these types of commercials prove to be well-received by viewers, then we will see many more of this type during next year's Super Bowl.

And now, time for my FAVORITE of the game.  Drum roll, please...Loctite Glue.  What?  Never heard of it, you might say.  Well, by now, I bet you have.  Twitter went crazy with comments after it aired.  I have to say Ed and I laughed out loud at this one.  It's a commercial all of us can relate to not only for the fact that the ad featured people who look like everyday people but also because they're gluing things!  We all break things and need glue, right?  The absolute best was the last line with a wife sitting on her husband's lap and she says, "Loctite glue saved our marriage".  WINNER.

No matter why you watch the Super Bowl, you have to admit the commercials have become a phenomenon.  Some people talk about the commercials even more than the teams actually playing the game!  This year was definitely different than previous ones.  But I appreciate change and I appreciate progress.  Give me something I haven't seen before and I am more likely to remember your message or what you're trying to sell me.   Can't you just imagine the ad agencies today?  Bet they're all abuzz analyzing the feedback from last night.  Have no fear, work has already begun on next year's commercials.  Now, I think I'm going to see if Walmart carries Loctite.  It can save a marriage, you know.

It is what it is.

p