When Ed and I met, we were in junior high. We started dating as we went into high school and except for a year or so apart, we dated each other. Definitely what you would call high school sweethearts. We got married four years after graduation and began our life as a married couple.
We weren't planning on having children right away. We had always talked about having several, if we could, but we were going to wait awhile. But our son Braxton had other plans. He was born exactly four days before our second wedding anniversary. And so began the real adventure!
Seventeen months later, our second son, Blaize was born. Followed by our third son, Brody, seventeen months after him. Rounding out our four kids was our daughter, Bentley, who was born about nineteen months after the Brody. If you're keeping track, that was four kids within five years. It was a busy time in our house!
As each child was born, the dynamic changed. There was always something going on but it was just what we did so it seemed normal. Being a parent became different with each new birth. Adding another child to the mix changes everything. It was a magical time that I cherish.
As the kids started to grow and became school aged, we realized how many outside influences would affect them. We no longer had total control over what our kids saw and how they reacted. They were gone from us for more hours of the day than they were with us. That's a scary thought.
It was about that time that we started to stress some 'givens' that I think we could actually call a Family Code. The non-negotiable aspects of being a part of our family. I don't call them rules because I see those as different. Rules are what you can and can't do. A Family Code is what you expect from one another.
Ours are fairly simple:
1. Things will not always be fair, but they will be equal. Having more than one child means more than one 'normal'. Similar situations may not have a similar result. Ed and I tried to take each child as an individual and not as a group. Who has known these kids from birth? We have. That means the way we react will be a sum total of that particular child. We gauged past actions/reactions and utilized those to make decisions. As a result, all four were dealt with (and still are) according to who they are and not some blanket reaction for all. We feel this allows for all four kids to see that we value them as people and not as 'the kids', clumped together. Yes, they found this unfair at times growing up. But, today, I think they would tell you that we celebrated their individual qualities instead of treating them all the same and that allowed them to develop as they should, uniquely.
2. No subject is off limits. We discuss everything. Now, I'm not saying we talk about everything all the time or every time we get together. What I mean by this is that, if and when necessary, we will talk about any subject. We have had several talks as the kids were growing up, and still to this day, that involved either one or all of the kids. We have even had some sit-downs where three kids would talk to one. We've had some where the kids have talked with us. Some are heated. Some are not. It doesn't always have to be a big deal. But we all know that there are no secrets between us. Since the kids have become college aged, they share so much with just each other. That's great! Ed and I don't need to know everything the older they get. The kids share with each other and that's the ultimate goal here. A family can talk to each other. It can be all of us or some of us, as long as the communication is happening. One day, Ed and I won't be here anymore and we would love to think the kids are still able to talk about their lives with each other. Every part of it.
3. One for all and all for one. While we may have disagreements in our lives, and that goes for us being disappointed in the kids or the kids being disappointed in us, we will always be there for one another. No exceptions. It's natural to sometimes get angry or feel disappointment in someone you love. It never means you don't love them or love them less. It's the actions or reactions that are brought into play. Discuss it, resolve it or agree to disagree. But face it. And let each other know that we are bound as a family and will always be there for each other. The good times are easy to enjoy and to rally around, it's the trying times that are the true test. Whatever else happens in your life, you have a safe place to come and people who love you unconditionally.
4. Represent yourself well, to us and to others. Respect is such an important trait to have. If you have respect for yourself, in all you do, it automatically spills over to the way you treat your family and others. Don't settle for less than the most you can give or the most you can do. The way you represent yourself is the way others see you. It should be as individualized as you are. What's most important to you, should be what you let others see. You are more than our family name. You are you. Be that. Own that. Represent it well.
I think our Family Code has taken shape since the kids are all adults now. In fact, I've never even called it a Code before and I'm sure the kids are wondering where I came up with this. But, I think that's what it is. It's easier to define since we are past the 'rules' stage. Being a family isn't all fun and games. It's about challenging each other when you need to and laughing as much as possible. Each family should be happy with the relationships they've developed within.
We are not perfect by any means. But the imperfection of the six of us, how we accept and embrace it, is who we are. That makes us family.
It is what it is.
p
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