When I found out we were expecting our first child, I had no idea what becoming a mom would do to our life as a couple or to me as a person. It is the absolute most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.
After Braxton was born, my Grandma Belobrajdic became very ill. She fought Leukemia for several months. When Brax was 8 months old, she passed away. As I talked to her those last days, she said something that I never forgot because it validated what I was feeling, but hearing her say the words made everything real and true. She told me how beautiful Braxton was and that, "I was a wonderful mother to him and would be to our other children, as well." She said, "You are meant to be a mom."
Ed and I made the decision early on that I would be a stay at home mom, at least when our kids were small. We had hoped to have our kids close in age, because this was what we preferred, and we know we were extremely lucky to have all four within a span of five years.
Those days were the best I have experienced. Some of it is a blur because of the constant mound of diapers, baby food and everything else that goes with toddlers and babies in a house. But, the times I remember are the times I got to spend with each of them. The stolen moments when I was able to spend as much time as I wanted rocking with them or talking with them. Reading books together, playing outside or doing nothing but being together. Seeing their 'firsts' and being there for both the tears and the laughter.
We sacrificed, financially, I'm sure over those years with me not contributing to the household from an outside job. But we never once saw that as a deficit. Rather, it was a mute point. We had made that decision long ago and never discussed it again. We felt blessed that we had the option of me staying at home with our children.
Ed traveled a lot in those days for work. Most of the time in those early years, he would leave on a Monday morning and not get home until Friday night. So, I was essentially a single mom of four during the weeks. Maybe that's another reason the kids and I are so close, because I was alone with them the majority of the time. It's just what we did. We all looked forward to Ed coming home Friday nights and to the weekends the six of us would spend together. The kids idolized their dad. He was kind of a rock star because time with him was golden. Looking back, I know Ed felt out of the loop because he missed the weekdays and the 'everyday routines' because he was working. On the other hand, I sometimes felt like I got overlooked because I was 'there all the time.' Interesting that we each felt cheated, in a way, because of the set up of our family.
But, today, to hear the kids reminisce, they never once verbalize feeling that way about either of us. They always talk about Ed and I as 'always having been there for them' so it's clear that what Ed and I may have felt were our own feelings of inadequacy and the kids never saw it. It's a wonderful thing to know.
I am so proud of the way it worked for us. We were able to have me stay at home while the kids were little. I loved that time. The quote I added to this blog sums up what I felt at the time. It's not a negative quote, at all. It merely talks about the loneliness we can sometimes feel when we are alone with the kids yet not alone at all because they are with us 24 hours a day.
Watching the kids as they have all grown and moved away to go to college has been bittersweet. I want nothing but the best for them and am pleased to see them so happy. I have taken each stage of their growth in stride and have tried to keep it in perspective when I feel sad. I would do anything to have them all small again. In a heartbeat. But, that's not what mom's should do. We raise them and then hope we have given them the guidance they need to make it on their own.
When I know the kids are coming home, I spend time thinking of menus which include each of their favorite foods and I can't wait for the family game nights and the time we will spend together. I am shamelessly proud of their accomplishments and tend to share incessantly on Facebook about them. Blaize said he warns his friends that 'if you become friends with my mom on Facebook, you will see a lot of posts about the four of us!' It's true. The kids put up with me. But, in my defense, several of their friends comment that they like seeing what I post about the kids. So there, Blaize. So there.
Once a mom, always a mom. Whether you want to stay home, and are fortunate enough to be able to do so, or whether you prefer to work outside the home, it doesn't matter. What matters is what your children remember about growing up with you as their parent. Any insecurities or doubts we have, we bring on ourselves. Our kids never feel those. They only feel what you made them feel. They only feel your love and what your home gave them as a child.
My kids are practically grown. I deal with the love/hate of that every day. I will always be here when they come home and I will continue to talk about them to any one who will listen. That's not going to change. Whether they are with me or not, they are so deeply embedded in my heart that it's as if all four never leave me.
Because I am a mom.
It is what it is.
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